Indigo Ocean

The Fire of Discernment

2011-06-19T17:22:00.000-07:00

There are many levels of practice that I consider to work with the effect, trying to transform an unhappy dream into a happy one. While the mind is truly obsessed with this goal, it is worthwhile to give it what it wants. Thankfully there comes a time where we are ready to put aside childish things and take on the foundational work of spiritual realization. That is when we look to the cause and apply skillful means accordingly.

To cut to the chase, in any moment there is only one fundamental question: do I see truth or untruth?

As my eye falls upon this face before me, is my interpretation of their expression a projection of my own mind, a manifestation of their own false self, or a clear representation of their essential Buddha Nature? As I watch my own mind, where do I locate my sense of "me," within the flow of thoughts and emotions that is watched or within the vastness of awareness that is watching?

When I consider the actions of myself or others, do I buy the story of imperfection, or do I see past it to discern both what is false (as false) and what is true (as true) to the point where what is false is burned away in the fire of my awareness, leaving only the truth behind? In each moment, am I choosing to be a world healer or a member of the dream pep squad?

To be a Buddha does not mean to be seen by others as a Buddha, it means to see the universe as a Buddhaverse. When the eye is open, all is light. What are you willing to see right now? What are you leaving in your wake?

Can You Hear It?

2011-02-02T13:01:00.000-08:00

All of existence is constantly singing, "I love you." Can you hear it?

Do you hear it in the rush of the wind in the leaves, or the rush of nearby traffic? Do you feel it in a lover's caress, or in the softness of your shirt as it moves against your skin? Do you see it in your mother's loving gaze, and smile, or in the light that reflects off every single thing, without exception?

Can you find it in some things, or in all things? And when you find it, can you accept it, open to it, immerse yourself completely within it, with an unequivocal "Yes"?

We are all constantly whispering, "I love you." Are you willing to hear us beneath the bellicose roar of your mental programming? Will you choose to believe us above the accusations and manipulations of your "never good enough," "try harder," "do it right," "what's wrong with you?" mental dialog?

If you would be loved, then do. Be loved right now. Feeling loved is not the result of an outside event, for love is always being offered to you from infinite points of origin. Feeling loved is the result of a choice. You either choose to accept that all of life loves you and is singing that love to you in each moment, or you choose to believe that love is only conditionally available -- never constant, never free, and never truly yours to keep.

This is an invitation that you choose to say "Yes" to love. In this moment, choose to hear "I love you" in each sound your ears can hear. Choose to see the light of love as a glow around every sight your eyes fall upon. Or choose to feel the soothing caress of love across every inch of your skin as you come in physical contact with your clothing, your chair, anything that touches your skin. Choose your doorway, then for just a few minutes let this be your meditation. Focus on your perceptions within a context of complete receptivity to love's grace. Enjoy.

Total Eclipse of Discontent

2010-12-20T23:51:00.000-08:00

From Nasa's website: "This lunar eclipse [overnight tonight] falls on the date of the northern winter solstice. How rare is that? Total lunar eclipses in northern winter are fairly common. There have been three of them in the past ten years alone. A lunar eclipse smack-dab on the date of the solstice, however, is unusual. Geoff Chester of the US Naval Observatory inspected a list of eclipses going back 2000 years. "Since Year 1, I can only find one previous instance of an eclipse matching the same calendar date as the solstice, and that is 1638 DEC 21," says Chester. "Fortunately we won't have to wait 372 years for the next one...that will be on 2094 DEC 21."

Earth, Sun, and Moon (body, mind and consciousness) will align within the same line at the very same time as the winter soltice, the shortest day of sunlight in the year. Astrologically there is a lot of chatter about the potential for manifestation and charting a life course that is best for us at such a time of centered energy at such a grand level. Yet this is also a configuration that grants access to expansive wisdom.

I sat to draw upon this powerful energy to clarify what I intended to manifest during this next phase of my life, and came to see that there is really nothing for me to manifest.

Much of the time I pretty much want the same things most people probably want. I want to feel good in my mind and body. I want to be mentally engaged. I want to uplift the people around me. That's pretty much it. My interest in spiritual practice is mostly centered on using it to get me more of those three things. I know that the highest spiritual aspiration is to want to see reality clearly simply for the love of reality, not the love of what clear vision gets us within the illusion, the power it gives us over it. Yet I often want a make believe world of conditional joys, believing again and again that this next goal achieved will bring genuine, lasting fulfillment -- or at least an endless string of fleeting joys.

Yet when I sit to clarify what I want to manifest, I cannot think of a thing, because when I really intuit deeply what I see is that true joy can only be experienced as it exists in this moment, not some future moment I may want to exist in some particular form. True joy cannot rely on the moment being like this or like that, or it is not true, it is coerced.

True joy stands on its own as joy, no matter what anyone thinks about it. True joy is always here, waiting for us to accept it as the fulfillment we have sought. Indeed, fulfillment is a decision.

So if we decide to be fulfilled now with everything as it is instead of using our spiritual wisdom and power endlessly manifesting favorable conditions, will everything fall apart, will we lose? Of course not, for true joy works tirelessly in caring for all the parts of itself that allow themselves to fall into harmony with it. Self-care is in its nature. True joy says, "Tell me what would delight you, and let me lay that at your feet." True joy cannot be chased or achieved, for it is always waiting everywhere.

Don't take my word for it. Become still and feel how all the parts of yourself are in complete alignment in this moment. Notice the perfect beauty, joy, and wonder of this moment, as you rest within your being. Allow the magnetism of your true being to draw all of who you are into harmonious orbit around your core star.

If you would manifest something during this historic occasion, manifest your single-pointed intention to release your discontent into the dark of the eclipsed moon, and awaken with unwavering clarity lit by the sun of a new era. Pray only for this purity of intention. You do not need to seek joy, because you are joy. Notice.

Once you are clear about this, and unaffected by any number of people around you who seem thoroughly convinced to the contrary, you will find yourself carried through life by a force of joy that is uncreated and unstoppable.

This Stillpoint

2010-11-14T17:47:00.000-08:00

The Buddha often described his teaching (which was not called Buddhism while he lived) as "the Middle Way". Yet the peace and fulfillment of genuine non-attachment is elusive. There is a tendency to either feel passionate or detached, but true non-attachment is not detachment.

Often people feel pulled between two poles of frustrated effort and hopeless non-effort even when they try to stop chasing their tails in search of fulfillment, because even in detachment they are still hanging on to wanting. You want things to be a way other than the way they are, and so you are not as consciously depressed when chasing after the hope that more effort will finally bring the cherished prize of lasting happiness, and then you are quite obviously depressed when you still want, but tell yourself there is no reason to bother trying because: life sucks, life hates you, there is something wrong with you, happiness is only for other people, no one is really happy just more or less honest, etc.

The truth is that happiness can only be found within what is, just as it is. You have to learn to appreciate not the things outside yourself that you have, but the pervasive thing that you have, which is what you are. You are life. You are awareness in all forms. You are everything that exists, all that has ever existed, and all that will ever exist. You are not only that body and the history of what that body has experienced. You are not the tales you tell about yourself in your mind. You are not the function that is meant to constantly strive to keep you alive by avoiding danger and pursuing comfort, nourishment and procreation. You are more than the separate ego self and the body it defends and promotes at every opportunity.

So long as you are identifying with the limited portion of you that is coming from your ego perspective as "X person" you can't really have lasting happiness, because lasting happiness is anathema to ego. Its purpose is to be dissatisfied so that it has something it is needed to fix.

Yet right here and now there is something miraculous happening in and all around you. It is there every day, and yet you see everyone ignoring it. You see that you have felt good and then bad while it was there, so believe it can't be the answer you have sought. Yet it is. All that separates us all from complete and lasting happiness is a willingness to embrace the one and only thing any of us truly have and devote ourselves to it completely. Love this moment of existence. Cherish the breath moving in and out of your lungs and the light glowing even through your closed eyelids. Feel yourself immersed in an endless ocean of love, and know that it loves itself completely.

The real You loves itself completely. Notice, and then commit yourself to noticing. Embrace what you have rejected as "not good enough, not solid enough, not real enough, and unprovable." Embrace the God that is you as you truly are, inescapable and all powerful yet willing to be ignored while waiting patiently for you to find the courage to say "Yes" to all it wishes to share with you.

I too struggle with maintaining this awareness. I dip in and out of it. When I dip in, I try to write something to anchor myself there. But then I wake up again the next day, immersed in delusion once again. Throughout each day I remind myself again and again to notice and appreciate what I truly have in that moment. Sometimes it feels real and sometimes it feels like I'm just telling myself, but I still keep doing it to train my mind to break its old bad habit of always looking for happiness in my external conditions. Sometimes I feel very sad when I reflect on what I've done with my life and the opportunities I've let pass me by. As much as I've done, I keep feeling I missed the boat on "my destiny." But with nothing changing within any of that, sometimes I feel I am floating effortlessly in a sea of bliss. When those moments happen, I notice that my mind writes a story of "why external conditions justify happiness" and so I respond by immediately debunking the story and noting that the reason I feel happy has nothing to do with external circumstances. It has to do with the ego loosening its grip in that moment so that my true self could shine through.

That is all that is required of us, so simple and yet so difficult to actually do. Let go and know that you are carried by the infinite perfection that you are, and which loves itself perfectly. Know that everything in your life is perfect by its view of perfection, even if not by ego's, and that no matter how much ego promises something different would bring you happiness -- and no matter how reasonable intellect says ego's promises are -- they are all lies.

There are people who have any given thing you want and are unhappy. We like to tell ourselves that we would be different under their circumstances, but I tell you that if you would be different then, you would also be different now. So be different now under these circumstances. BE the satisfaction they deny themselves. Be who you are with both courage and humility.

Waiting for the Unknown to Take You Back

2010-01-23T16:36:00.000-08:00

I've been in Kauai the last week and am heading to Maui tomorrow. I've spent much of my time here meditating on beaches. There is a moment when one stops watching the water flow and becomes the water flowing. There is a moment when the light dancing across the water's surface becomes the shimmering of one's own essence. Each day, I sit until this moment reveals itself to me.

Sometimes it comes in less than an hour. Sometimes I reach the two hour mark before this mind of mine surrenders to a view that is something other than its habitual way of encountering experience. However long it takes, I wait. There is no hurry. There are hills to mount, trails to hike, sites to see, friends to dine with, dances and tennis lessons and so on, but there is also time to wait.

It always comes. It never fails. There is only the question of how long we are prepared to wait for such a simple thing -- for nothing special at all, just the ability to perceive in a more authentic way for some period of time. Just a breather from our conditioned minds and the illusions they bury us beneath while lying to us that we have seen something real. I do not wait to see what is real. I cannot see what is real. I wait simply for a break from the illusion that the unreal is real. I wait for the space of unknowing to drink me up, call me back, and end me. It is always worth the wait.

Happy 2010!

2010-01-01T09:59:00.000-08:00

Sending you prayers for a divine 2010 with this message.

May the beauty within all things reveal itself to you within every moment. May your heart open wide to receive the grace that is always offered and waiting for your embrace. May all the love you have the potential to give, find itself expressed and received. May you know perfect love within and around you. May you be well.

Happy New Year.

All The Love You Could Have Given

2009-12-20T10:17:00.000-08:00

I've had that line from a Kate Bush song running through my head the last few days. It just pops up out of nowhere, sometimes when I'm meditating, other times when I'm just going about daily chores. Any time my mind comes to rest, it seems to want to remind me, "Are you giving all you could give? Are you fully using the opportunity of this day of life?"

Generally when I have songs I can't get out of my head I find it really irritating. In this case, I'm grateful for it, because too frequently I find the answer is "no" and realize I need to make an adjustment. I suppose it would be irritating if I found it difficult to make such adjustments, but fortunately I do not. In fact, having set my intention to truly take full advantage of the opportunity daily life presents to give love to others, I find more and more opportunities seem to be presenting themselves. I'm sure it is just that I'm noticing more, but either way, I am finding I am experiencing more beautiful moments in which I am able to touch someone's heart and support them in a loving way.

I've found so much joy in remembering this simple guiding principle, "Give all the love you can give each day," that I thought to share it with you. I hope you find it as useful a reminder as I do. It is so easy to forget the point of life. So easy to get lost in the striving for what we want, the desire to be entertained, or the warding off of what we do not want, that we easily forget that we always have the power to direct love outward to others, as well as savoring the love we feel for ourselves.

I hope you will take this inspiration to pause for a moment and truly sink into a feeling of love for yourself, and that in your next interaction with anyone you decide to direct that love outward with an openness towards them and genuine desire to contribute to their feeling good about themselves.

Everyone is an artist. Our works of art are our lives as we live them. Yet too many people die with their artistry unacknowledged, both by themselves and by others. Each time you help someone to appreciate the artistry of who they are, you help them to love themselves, and make more and more beauty out of the art of you. This is an invitation to become a connoisseur, but not a snobby one. Would you choose a world filled with people who are all loved and appreciated for their unique prism's reflection of the Divine light that shines through all things? If you would, then in each day, be alert and open to perceiving that beauty and artistry in anyone you encounter. Love them. Appreciate them. And someday die knowing you have given all the love you could have given.

The Direction of Causation

2009-12-07T19:31:00.000-08:00

It's funny when you really think about it. We go through our lives thinking this event or that thought is causing us to feel a certain way, when in fact every emotional experience is coursing through us in every moment. A certain feeling emerges from the pack to dominate our awareness, and our ingenious ego mind instantly finds a justification for that feeling within our present experience or most recent thought. Then we think the event or thought actually caused the feeling, when it simply is not so.

If you sit in meditation enough to settle into the depths of what is present within you, if you can keenly watch the many layers of your present experience and witness the endless shifting of random emotions, all while you just sit there, thinking about nothing except "what am I feeling right now?" -- if you can do this, you will see that it is as I describe. First comes the feeling. Then comes the justification for the feeling, unless you are sufficiently aware to see that there is no justification for the feeling. It is just the way you feel. And then this is. And then this. No reason.

It is a common statement of psychotherapy that no one can make you feel anything. They act, you have thoughts about their action, and then you react emotionally to those thoughts. But I would go further to specify that it isn't even just about other people's actions. Even your thoughts have very little to do with causing your emotions. You may habitually associate certain thoughts with certain emotions, but that is a matter of correlation, not causation. You feel every way within an endless ocean of wavering emotions. And the only meaning any of it has is the meaning you decide to give to it.

My take on this is, if I'm going to feel all the joy, sorrow, anger, frustration, and amusement without regard to what I am thinking, doing or experiencing, what the heck. Why not just enjoy the show and stop caring so much what's on the screen? Whatever it is, it will assuredly change in another moment. Fundamentally, it is all just the play of consciousness. And what is true and unchanging, that is so beneath this shifting emotional experience. So I sit and watch with amused curiosity, and occasionally catch a glimpse of that beloved, glowing eternity beneath it all.

What We May Be

2009-11-22T12:59:00.000-08:00

I have a story in my mind, and it goes like this: In an unsupported refugee settlement somewhere in the world, a hungry man sees a scrap of food that has fallen from someone's bag onto the ground, unbeknown to them. A group of three hungry children see the food scrap at the same time, as does a woman standing nearby. The man and children all go for the food scrap at once, and the man gets to it first and thrusts it into his mouth.

The woman, viewing the scene, calls to the children, "Come here. I have no food myself, but I will find you some food." The man notices the woman for the first time, and perceives judgment in her gaze due to his own inner guilt. He remarks to the woman, "You think you are better than me, but you will die, and I will live."

The woman reflects on the man's comment for a moment, then responds, "What will live?"

The man replies, "I will live."

The woman, "But who are you?"

The man looks on in confusion, sensing there is something important in what the woman is saying to him, but not understanding her.

The woman answers the man's confused look, "Only the worst in who you are will live on. Maybe better that it should die, but then again, maybe not. I will live or I will die, but I will do so as who I choose to be. Perhaps in this world it is usually the worst in us that lives and the best in us that dies. Perhaps this is the hell and it is death that is the release. I don't know. I only know that I choose not to take food from the mouths of hungry children."

By this time a small crowd of people had gathered and begun listening, drawn by the drama promised by the intensity of the hungry man's attention to the speaking woman, and the confident peace of her stance, though they had not seen the original act that began the interaction. Upon hearing that the debate was about whether it was right to survive at any cost, even taking food ahead of needy children, the crowd reacted.

As the woman turned to leave, a man standing nearby said, "You will not die. You will share my bread with me."

The woman responded, "I do not need any bread. I have found that I can survive on one meal every other day, and I ate yesterday. But these children are hungry and need food now. Will you share your bread with them?"

The man walked over to the children, broke the bread into three pieces, then handed on to each child. The woman was moved to tears, "Thank you. I wanted to feed them but had no food to give them. Now they are fed because of you. You are a kind man, and may you be blessed because of your generosity."

Another man standing near said, "I still want to see you fed too. I understand you ate yesterday, but tomorrow you may not find food. Here, have some of my bread today, in case tomorrow there is none to be found."

Upon hearing this the entire crowd began to murmur, "No, take some of my bread. I will feed you."

Seeing this, the man who had snatched that first scrap of found food for himself was moved to self-remembrance and began to sob loudly. "This is not who I am. I do not steal food from children. What has become of me?"

The woman's heart was moved deeply by the man's sorrow, and she went to him and took his face into her hands. "It is all right. You forgot who you are. We all forget sometimes. We forget, and then we remember again. We get to make ourselves anew each time."

The man embraced the woman and continued to sob, as he whispered into her ear, "Thank you for reminding me of who I am."

The entire crowd was moved by what they had witnessed together and someone called out, "Let's celebrate! They may destroy our village, they may empty our fields and our bellies, and we may forget who we are for a time, but we will always lead one another home."

And celebrate they did. Someone brought a single egg their chicken had produced that day, which they had been saving for dinner. Someone else brought some clean water, and another some grains. Between them they made a meal that was large enough to feed them all, and they sang, and they danced, and they laughed into the wee hours of the morning.

In the weeks and months to come, many of those people did in fact die of hunger. It is not known what became of the woman who inspired the feast, or of the children whose parents were not to be found. But the story of the Feast of Remembrance lives on to this day, to reach us and remind us. We are what we choose to be, and whatever choice we made yesterday, we get to choose again today. Let us choose to be the best of who we could be. With our actions, let us choose to contribute our vote that this Earthly existence be the heaven we have sought, one filled with angels of love and compassion, some fallen, some risen, all learning and growing, and forgiving themselves and others along the way.

Spontaneous Freedom: When the Wall Was Brought Down

2009-11-09T08:30:00.000-08:00

In 1989 I was a college student majoring in International Relations. I had taken several classes on the politics of Eastern Europe and the general consensus among experts in the field was that change in the Soviet Union would be slow, but was certainly happening. My professors, many leaders in the field who had gained tenure at an Ivy League university, saw a gradual trajectory of change. They predicted that as government wanted more economic power in the world, it would have to grant greater freedoms to the people to stimulate productivity, and that as people tasted minor freedoms they would want more. Politicians would seek to appease them by carefully satisfying that tentative call of the people, but without granting any real freedom that would diminish the power of the state. Being a student, I tended to accept their predictions as likely to be true.

We were just as surprised as anyone else when suddenly one day the newspapers announced that the Berlin wall had just come down. News footage showed joyous people celebrating atop the remnants of what had separated them from the free world. I don’t think there was anyone in the U.S. State department or any political office within East Germany itself that was any less surprised. How is this possible, within a nation in which there was no right to freedom of speech nor freedom of association? How did such a huge group of people dedicated to bringing down the Soviet government manage to rise to such power without being stamped out long before they reached a critical mass? The answer will probably shock and fortify you, as it did me, when a friend told me his friend’s story of how he and a group of meditators served as the final straw that broke the back of communist oppression in E. Berlin one evening in November.

About 7 weeks before the wall came down, a small group of meditation practitioners decided to start a meditation group in one of theirs East Berlin apartment where people would come and sit in silent reflection, envisioning their hopes for their country. That first week about 8 people came. They all found it to be a worthwhile experience, so invited more people to join them the next week. That next week the group more than doubled in size. Each week people would come to sit in silence, meditating together and envisioning East Germany as they believed it could and should be. Each week they brought more people with them to peacefully sit together with hope and faith. After a few weeks the group had grown to be too large for the apartment, so they requested permission to use a public café. That worked for a couple more weeks, but then the group became too large for the café. Eventually they had to get permission to meditate in a public square.

One day, while sitting together in silence in the public square, by now a group numbering into the hundreds, someone stood up and began walking towards the wall. Others stood also and began following. One by one, they each stood and walked towards the wall. As they walked, people they passed silently joined the procession. By the time they reached the wall, which was about 4 kilometers from where they had begun in the square, their numbers had reached the thousands. The people at the front of the procession instructed the guards at the wall to open the gates. They refused. The meditators insisted, “Open the gates.” Overwhelmed by the size of the crowd, the guards decided to call their superiors to report what was happening and request instruction. Were they to open fire and shoot so many people? What options did they have? After explaining the situation fitfully, the instruction came back, “Open the gates.”

The gates were opened, the people flooded through, and piece by piece, they dismantled the wall that had separated their vision of what could and should be from the reality of what was. I share this story with you so that you will know irrefutably that what separates us can never be as powerful as what brings us together. If you wish to find that ecstatic connection to all within your life and unleash its unlimited potential, you must only sit in silence with hope and faith until the time comes to get up and walk into the future you have evoked. Namaste (I bow to the Infinite within you).

Playing the Game of Life

2009-11-05T20:06:00.000-08:00

Just as I thought I was winning, I realized again that the game isn't even real. Darn. Why is it I always have to see through the illusion just as I'm getting to the good parts? Why can't the lows be just as transparent?

Anyway, just passing along the reminder in case you're in a low and could benefit from it, but can't see it yourself right now.

This "self" that is thinking happy or sad thoughts that are triggering happy or sad feelings, it isn't a solid thing. It isn't you. It is a constantly fluctuating set of habitual patterns. It is a perspective that colors everything even as it confines it to a space much smaller than the infinity that you truly are.

No matter whether you are currently winning or losing in the game of life, there is nothing truly to be accomplished other moving your pieces around the board. Games can be fun, especially when we are winning. But for the game to be worth playing you have to be a good sport about it and not take it so seriously that when you start losing you throw a fit and threaten to quit. You can't cry just because the game isn't going your way. Well you can, but if you do the game will become less and less enjoyable and your chances of improving your performance will also decrease... not to mention that you won't exactly be a choice partner for the rest of the game.

In this moment I kind of wish the game was real. I wish my accomplishment actually meant something solid and enduring. I wish it was "done" and that I could rest with that forever. But the insatiable ego never rests in anything, so any satisfaction born of ego can only be fleeting. Whether I realize I can't "keep it" because it isn't real to begin with or realize I can't "keep it" because ego is insatiable, either way, I can't hold on to the joy of accomplishment for long. In fact, it is already just another day.

My company did just come out with its first piece of software today though. And I'm really excited about the opportunities for new directions in my life experience that will probably grow out of that. Variety of experience is enjoyable not just to my ego, but also to the infinite "self" that is experiencing through each of us. I'm looking forward to something new. Who will I be this time next year? What square will I land on? Or to mix metaphors a bit, what is on the next page of this script?

The Prosecution Rests

2009-10-25T13:58:00.000-07:00

We have all faced a great deal of both suffering and joy in our lives. The world of ego is by nature a constantly fluctuating dance of cruelty and beauty. Though we all suffer, each of us carries a unique personal story of how we have been wounded by the very nature of the world created by ego. Yet as Hafiz so eloquently says, "your wounds of love can only heal, when you can forgive this dream."

We can only move beyond identification with "the story of me," which is essentially the story of what has happened to the ego and how it felt about it, when we can forgive the world for being the way it is. And this forgiveness is only possible once we feel that the story of our personal suffering has been heard, understood fully, and met with compassion. We must testify as witnesses for the prosecution, have the world be found guilty, and then decide in our hearts to grant it a full pardon.

Many of us have had experiences of temporary awakening. Each time we thought it would be the ultimate one, that it would last. Yet each time we were eventually pulled back into the world of ego identification. That happens because something is left undone. The ego identity is still being clung to for some specific reason, not just as a general state. That is why some people are able to indeed let go and stay let go. They let go and there is nothing that snaps them back. They are truly done with the story of their ego identity. It no longer holds any power over them, anymore than a movie they once saw does.

When your "story self" feels that he/she has been fully represented, that the criminal called "world" has been exposed, and that he/she is the one who has decided to forgive the world its sins, then it will be able to let go of you. It won't need to keep you carrying around its story, lest it be forgotten and never given its due.

The Trial
Write out the story of your suffering. Start with your earliest memories of childhood and go through your present life. See if you can identify any patterns to your suffering and any beliefs you have come to accept even though they cause you great pain. For example, I have dealt with an anxiety disorder my entire life and as part of that I developed a belief that this world was a very frightening place. I realize it isn't that frightening to everyone, just to people with anxiety disorders. But that doesn't make it any less true for me. So that is a part of the story of suffering that I carried through life, that I was a defenseless being in a terrifyingly violent world. See if you can identify not just the details, but the thematic beliefs of your story. This is necessary before the ego identity whose story it is can feel it has fully been understood.

Once you have written out the 3-10 pages you are likely to wind up with when you are done, find a trusted, loving, and supportive friend and ask him/her to help you with a healing ritual. Since you'll be asking a lot of the person, you may want to present it as a mutual project you are doing together, where they help you one week and then you meet again the next week for you to return the favor to them.

Send the friend your story in advance, with them committing to read it before your meeting, so that you can be sure they have had time to sit with it and fully take it in. Then when you are together, read the story aloud to them, so that you are testifying to them. After you have read the story, ask them if they understand fully or if they have any questions. If they have any questions, answer them as best you can before proceeding.

Ask yourself internally if you are truly ready to release the story of your victimization by ego's world. If you get a "yes," then burn the pages of your story, with your friend as witness. As you watch the pages burn, announce your love and compassion for the person who is being destroyed by the flames of love. Speak whatever words you feel moved to speak, and open your heart with full compassion for the story of suffering that once was your "home" and that will never be seen or heard from again.

Bury or scatter the ashes somewhere outside. That's it. It's over. May he/she rest in peace. Just don't go back to visit the grave.

I Love You

2009-10-10T15:14:00.000-07:00

I love you like the horizon loves the sky and the shadow loves the dark, inseparably. I love you like breath loves the lungs and a smile loves the corners of your mouth, interdependently. I love you like a journey's end, and then beginning, and then end, as life takes form, endlessly.

I love you like the clay loves the vase, and the sun stays up late to catch just a glimpse of a rising moon, do you see?

I love you in endless ways, for endless hours, of endless days. Infinity is the very essence of my love for you.

There was never a time I loved you less, nor will there ever be a time I could love you more, for perfection in love is unwavering.

I do not write this to make you feel a debt, and truly love requires no payment, nor could any afford the value even if it did. I write to remind you, so that you will recall just how much you love you too.

A Tonglen Life

2009-10-04T17:21:00.000-07:00

I became aware during Tonglen today that the point of my life has always been to be a blessing with the living of this life. To me, apart from that, there is just the act of survival, and we all know how successfully that ends. Everybody dies. The only way to do it well, is to leave a trail of benefit in one's wake.

It seems common when people speak of recognizing this that they couch it in apologies for past selfishness or cluelessness. I can't do that. I have been living a life of service since I was 15 and started my first public service venture, a countywide high school youth council that among its many projects in that first year organized and put on a two week summer crafts camp for elementary school children. I am not writing to describe the turning of a page of awareness, but to reinforce a message that is already within everyone reading this.

I am writing to say, do it bigger, more frequently, and without any doubt that it is in fact the point. Life is that simple and direct, no matter how pervasive the false teachings of "masters of the universe" mentalities that control our media and seek to define our culture.

There is awakening, the path of letting go of our false beliefs about reality, particularly our false sense of a separate self. And then there is also navigating relative reality, which we were not born into by accident. As well as the awareness of ultimate reality, there is making something out of this experience of the relative. As far as I can see, the only thing worth making out of it is the alleviation of suffering around us and the spread of joy, love, and support in more and more creative and effective ways.

Phone Buddies came out of such a desire, as have many other projects I've been involved in over the years. What is your offering to our collective experience to be these days? What would you like to gift us? If you have tried already to bring your heart gifts out into the world, you already know that working to help others is still hard work. The world does not pave a path of gold for you just because you want to do something good. There will be many people who will be threatened by your desire to make a positive difference. Some will be jealous and not want to see you succeed. Others will not let you help them, they will reject your help because they don't want it to come from you.

This is a very frequent experience of people of color who seek to help people of all races, including the dominant racial group of whites, often because the intended beneficiaries hold a self-perception of superiority that does not happily accept assistance from "inferiors." In my twenties it was hard for me to learn this lesson, both in terms of being difficult to comprehend and also painful to accept. Yet I kept on working to give benefit wherever I could regardless of race or racism, because it is who I am, and I could not snuff out that inner drive however difficult the journey.

I am writing to encourage all of you who have ever thought you wanted to do something with this life more than survival, beyond even creating additional lives (children) and seeing them grow. There is something more than service to self or to immediate family. There is service to the community of life itself. And in the end I truly believe that is all relative reality ever adds up to over time. The rest is timeless and unconditional. We are meant to have both joys, which is why we were created with both aspects of reality such integral parts of who we are.

If you are still looking for your "calling" or your next "service idea," I would suggest adding tonglen to your daily routine. Breathing in, visualize your Buddha nature drawing all the suffering and inner conflict out of everyone on Earth. Breathing out, visualize your Buddha nature fanning the flames of the inner fire of Truth and Love within the heart-minds of all beings. After however many cycles of breath you have time to devote right then, rest in the glow of a world of happiness, health, wealth and wholeness. Do this at least once each day, and as much as once each hour, depending on how quickly you want to birth the vision into reality. I would say "good luck," but that's not what you need. Just do it.

Singing for Your Freedom

2009-09-20T13:20:00.000-07:00

"You are forever pure.
You are forever true
and the dream of this world
can never touch you.
So give up your attachment
and give up your confusion
and fly to that space that's beyond
all illusion."

~ Shimshai from the song "Suddhosi Buddhosi" off the album "Live on Maui"

I love the sound of silence so much that sometimes I forget how transformative a blessing music can be. Of course, it can always be entertainment, and such distractions can be fun, but when I'm not looking for distraction, when instead I'm looking to deepen my intimacy with the present moment, I generally surround myself with silence. And then there comes a day where I brew the very best oolong tea I have been able to find, open up the French doors to the garden, and turn up the volume on my favorite acoustic musicians.

Today I immersed myself in Shimshai, and what a soul opening choice it was. As I listened to his music today, I found my heart opening with a keen awareness of one aspect of the suffering in this world. Recently I have been troubled by the rise in gang violence, and particularly in the growing tension between the races and an increase in gang related race wars. As I sat listening to the music, I felt a deep connection to the false beliefs that were controlling the minds and eclipsing the hearts of all those young people, causing them to live in rage, hatred and fear -- some as victims and some as victimizers, but all as suffering souls. The more I felt the pain of their delusion, the more my heart opened and I began to cry for them. Every inch of my heart cried out for their release, as I prayed that the light of the Truth of their perfection, and indeed the perfection of their imagined enemies, might pierce the darkness and reveal itself to them.

Earlier today I began my morning meditation the way I always do, with the Buddhist Four Immeasurables prayer:

"May all beings have happiness and the cause of happiness.
May they be free from suffering and the cause of suffering.
May they never part from the happiness that is beyond suffering.
May they dwell in equanimity, without attachment or aversion."

I have long known that the one cause of suffering this prayer points to is the suffering caused by the delusion that we ARE these limited, separate, physical devices that we use to move through this physical realm. This false belief is the only true source of suffering that exists. Once we know that we are infinite beings having a localized experience, everything falls into perspective. Group identity is just an idea. Pride, respect, power -- all just ideas, none of which hold the power to cause or prevent our inner peace and outward demonstration of love. But in the presence of false identification with the illusion of these separate bodies and their separate life stories that we call "me," well then no happiness can possibly be a lasting one, for it is all frail and threatened, needing constant defense and shoring up.

Ending each meditation, there is the prayer that the merit gained by the practice be used to free all beings from suffering:

"Rising above all forces of negativity,
going beyond the turbulence of [belief in] birth, old age, sickness, and death,
from the ocean of samsara,
may I free all beings."

This is always meaningful to me, yet rarely does it reach into the depths of my emotions and empower itself as a creative prayer. Yet our thoughts and words have the power to create within this manufactured realm. We can take action upon the physical using our physical bodies and their efforts, but as Divine creators who manufactured this realm ourselves, we can also act upon this physical realm from a non-physical level. Yet in order for us to do this, we must "move" from the locus of our spiritual self, which is heart-centered. Emotion can be one of the widest paths to that center of connectedness with all life. And today it was music that allowed me to follow that path home, and re-energize my commitment to using my life to help as many people as I can to find freedom from the tyranny of their mental confusion, and to remember who they are.

"Pure, pure like the water,
let it run forever more,
to be clean, clean as the waves
come crashing to the shore.
It leaves me
smooth, smooth as a pebble,
polished in the depth of love
carried by the winds of grace
on the wings of a dove.
...
Arise and awake from your slumber
Kindle ancient flame
as witness to the waves of what's to change
though the essence remains the same."

~ Shimshai from the song "Pure" off the album "Deliverance"

Let yourself rise from the depths of your slumber. Remember who you are. You have lived a life from within a limited perspective, but you are not a limited being. You are Christ. You are Krishna. You are Buddha. Remember, and shine your light so that it might enlighten others as you pass through this world. You are not alone. You were never alone. There is only one of us.

"I know that Jah
is forever beside me.
I know the love
will forever remind me.
I know that Jah
is the light in a darkened world.
I must live in Thy way and Thy will."

~ Shimshai from the song "We Give Thanks" off the album "Live on Maui"

May you see the Truth in yourself, and find it again reflected back to you within every face you see.

White Tea for clear skin, and clear mind

2009-09-13T09:44:00.000-07:00

If you read the previous article on puerh tea and its remarkable meditative qualities, you already know I have an extreme sensitivity to caffeine. That is why for many years I have had to avoid tea made from the Camellia sinensis plant. Nervous system soothing tisanes like African rooibos tea (red bush) have been a favorite, but though they provide remarkable antioxidants without giving the caffeine-sensitive the nervous jitters, they do not provide the mental clearing effect of caffeinated teas.

Meditation is about being physically calm and mentally alert. It is not about spacing out or floating off into a blurry bliss out. It's not like having a beer or a glass of wine, though many people try to use it that way. There are mental practices you can engage in that over time will give you the ability to calm your emotions, but that is not true meditation. Mental clarity must always be present in addition to the peaceful state if it is true meditation. It is in this form that meditation delivers its most profound effects, which are truly life transforming. I will write more on this in other articles, but want to clarify this crucial and often misunderstood point before proceeding to tout the benefits of a little caffeine in one's diet, no matter how caffeine-sensitive you are.

I am not a purist when it comes to having to do everything by dint of sheer effort. Why not get a little help from natural, legal substances if they actually help rather than becoming a diversion or a crutch? I tend to think of substances like marijuana as diversions. They imitate the "bliss out" experience so many falsely associate with spiritual experience, yet lead down a dead end that will never give you access to true spiritual freedom. And for some people these substances even become a crutch, one that people then need to face the world and get through the day. You can do anything in such a way that you develop a dependency. All I can do is to urge you to be aware of this and to moderate your enjoyment of the things you use accordingly, including caffeine.

And now, with no further prelude, here are the blessed attributes of white tea:

White tea is lower in caffeine than any other type of tea, and yet has the highest level of antioxidants. The tea is picked when it is just a bud, before it has developed all of its caffeine. It is also not cured, and so keeps more of its antioxidants all the way to your cup. This is where the skin clearing benefit is achieved, which I'm sure goes much deeper to be a general health tonic. The skin merely reveals what is going on inside.

Here is what a wikipedia article has to say about white tea:

"A study at Pace University in 2004 showed white tea had more anti-viral and anti-bacterial qualities than green tea. White tea contains higher catechin levels than green tea due to its lack of processing.Catechin concentration is greatest in fresh, unbroken and unfermented tea leaves.Furthermore, one study examining the composition of brewed green and white teas found that white tea contained more gallic acid and theobromine. As white tea is made out of young leaves and buds, it has more of amino acid theanine (providing relaxing and mood enhancing properties) than green and black teas, which are made from older leaves."

There is some debate around the internet about the amount of caffeine in white tea compared to other teas, but what I see is that the greatest number of sources say white tea has the least caffeine, while only wikipedia seems to be claiming it has the most. My experience has definitely been that it has the least. Here is a helpful chart of caffeine levels from About.com.

I find that the combination of theanine, antioxidants, and a touch of caffeine makes white tea the perfect health tonic. Served hot, it is a wonderful afternoon break and prelude to meditation. Served iced, it is a delicious accompaniment to many foods. I'm particularly loving it with tuna sandwiches, but that's because the iced white tea I make includes some dried fruit, and fruit is a great compliment to seafood.

I've also notice that my skin is absolutely glowing lately (and no, I most definitely am NOT pregnant). I've always had pretty nice skin, but this is just amazing. My pores have shrunk and my complexion is getting clearer every day. It became noticeable after just 3 days of starting my venture into white tea, and now at the one month mark there is a very marked difference. Another important part of my "great skin" habit is that I take one Apple Cider Vinegar capsule and one Flax seed oil softgel with breakfast each day. I've been doing that for about a year, and also noticed a big reduction in wrinkles and increase in the softness of my skin as a result. The white tea has added the effect of clearing up small blemishes and reducing the size of my pores to create the smooth look of one's twenties. (I'm in my early 40s.)

Things You Will Need

If you would like to add white tea to your diet, you can just buy teabags at the grocery store that are labeled "white tea," but that is going to get you a lower quality product that you may have a hard time considering enough of a treat to actually enjoy drinking it enough to get the significant effects I'm talking about. If you can financially swing it, I would encourage your investing in the following:

The Tea - White Tea Sampler from Adagio, 4 different white teas in 1.5 ounce tins. I discovered I liked the Silver Needle the best, which is no surprise, since Silver Needles is widely considered the best white tea. You don't need to get the sampler to find that out. The reason to get the sampler is to see if there is another white tea you will like enough to buy it instead, because Silver Needle is also the most expensive. Once I decided to get Silver Needle in larger quantities, I went with a different vendor because Adagio's teas aren't the very best you can get for the prices they charge. White tea is best the freshest it is, so a tea that has been picked the same year is ideal. Adagio doesn't even present the ages of its white teas, which tells you a lot. I went with Imperial Tea Court's 2009 Harvest Imperial Silver Needle, which unfortunately seems to be out of stock now. They do still have a 2009 White Peony, which is often considered the second best quality of white tea, and at less than half the price of Silver Needle.

For iced tea, try Adagio's flavored white tea sampler for $7 or mix and match your own 2 oz. tins for $2 each. I love the combination of 2 parts White Pear, to 1 part White Peach and 1 part White Blueberry. Truly AMAZINGLY delicious.

The Accessories - The most significant investment I made in starting up my white tea lifestyle was in getting a temperature controlled electric tea kettle. White tea has to be brewed at a lower temperature than boiling, and I just couldn't be bothered to try to get it right without a kettle like this. You can find them on the internet from $50-100 by just doing a search for "temperature controlled tea kettle" but I got mine from Adagio. Here is a great find at Amazon Temperature controlled tea kettle.

(You will notice that I am mentioning Adagio a lot. I must give the disclaimer that I have mixed feelings about this vendor due to how they handled my last order, which they eventually had to reimburse me for, but they do have a wide selection of useful things for a tea drinker. The biggest drawback that is likely to affect you is that they don't post tracking numbers on their website. The only way you can track your package directly is if you email them and ask for your tracking number. On their website it just shows where they think the package is now. So when at 9pm I got an email from them saying my packaged had been delivered, but I had no package in my possession, they were no help in finding where it was. I called UPS and was on the phone with them half an hour, trying to figure out what package I was even talking about as well as where it actually was. I may still do business with them, because I love their flavored teas for iced tea, but I will do so knowing the drawbacks and never buy anything high-priced from them again.)

The other accessory that may be worth your investment is a clear glass teapot. It is helpful to be able to gauge brewing time by the color of the tea. Different white tea vendors suggest different brewing times, and I find my sight is now the best true gauge, now that I've experimented a little with the exact teas I'm using, the quantities I use, and the brewing purpose (iced or hot). The other benefit of a glass teapot is that the flavor of white tea is so subtle that it can be affected by the pot you brew it in. Never make white tea in a teapot that you have been using to brew black tea, or even oolong or green tea, for that matter, unless it is a non-porous teapot. Glass is non-porous. Yixing is quite porous. Ceramic is moderately porous. Iron pots are always coated with an internal glaze, and I don't know what it is or whether it is porous, but if you have one, hopefully you know.

My glass teapot came with an internal strainer at the spout, so that the tea floats freely while brewing, then automatically gets strained as it is poured out of the pot. I got a small pot because I am usually brewing just for myself, and since you have to let white tea steep several minutes, you don't want a mostly empty pot cooling down your tea before it is ready for drinking. I generally make one cup at a time, for two steeps. Between the iced flavored white tea I often have with lunch, and the hot tea break mid-afternoon, I drink 2-3 cups of tea each day. Sometimes the afternoon break is with a different type of tea, and sometimes I skip the iced tea at lunch, but on average its 2-3 cups a day that leads to clear skin for me. The cost is about $1 per day.

The Preparation - Recommended steeping times vary from 2-7 minutes. I find that my first drinkable steep of most white teas come out best at around 3 minutes. I say first "drinkable" steep, because I always wash my tea leaves with the first steep of 30-45 seconds. This also washes off much of the caffeine, because caffeine is water soluble. Add time to each steep to get more of the flavor out of the leaves.

Brewing temperature is recommended at 170-180 degrees Fahrenheit (about 80 degrees Celsius). In the days before temperature controlled tea kettles, people would pour boiling water into cooling pitchers, let the temperature drop for a minute or two, then pour the water into the teapot. This is also the method used with Green Tea, and White Tea is even more delicate than green.

I hope you will give it a try. To your health!

Tea as Meditation

2009-09-05T10:53:00.000-07:00

I am not going to pretend to be a connoisseur of tea. There are many true experts out there, and I suggest you look to them for an "expert opinion." What I'd like to share with you is my experience of some quality teas I have recently discovered, coming from a spiritual point of view.

The first tea that opened my eyes to the meditative nature of tea drinking was pu-erh. A friend brought by a 12 year old sheng, meaning it had been stored green and allowed to age under the proper conditions for 12 years. He served it to me gongfu style, meaning he used a tiny yixing teapot and two 1-ounce cups, and made many quick steeps that each served just a few sips for each of us.

When I first smelled the tea it reminded me of earth. As I took the first sips, it was as if the Earth itself was entering me. I guess drinking old tea is about as close as you want to get to drinking liquefied dirt. Not that the tea was muddy at all. It was transparent and quite pure in that regard, with a deep reddish-brown color typical of a black tea. But the feeling of the tea was truly like taking the Earth into one's body. Pot after pot, as I looked out into my backyard garden and drank this tea, I felt more and more like I was camping somewhere, then like I lived in the woods, and then like I was a mere extension of nature myself, a walking tree.

I am not someone who can handle caffeine very well. My nervous system is hyper-sensitive. This serves me well when it comes to spiritual connectedness and healing work, but not when it comes to being able to enjoy nervous system stimulants. They put me over the edge into an anxiety that is utterly physical, like I need to jump out of my body, but I can't, so instead I just tremble with clinched muscles all over my body. Not exactly an afternoon treat.

Pu-erh is low in caffeine, lower than even green tea. Only white tea has less caffeine (and I will talk about white tea in a future article). Normally if I drink even green tea one morning I will have a hard time sleeping that night. It's not that the caffeine is still in my body that long, as caffeine is processed by the body in about 5 hours. It is more that the hyper-stimulation of my nervous system takes many hours to abate after the stimulant is no longer present. I had pu-erh around 1pm, and had no problem falling to sleep around 11pm that night. I share this aside for those of you who have avoided tea because of the caffeine.

There was a point when I was drinking the tea when it felt like I was hitting my caffeine limit, even with this low caffeine variety, and needed to stop or pass into jittery mode. My friend encouraged me to keep going. I rationalized that it was a Saturday, so what the heck if I was up all night. The fascinating thing is, two steeps later the experience came around full circle. Instead of further stimulating me, it actually felt like I was taking a nervous system tonic that was calming me, but in a way that was mentally crystal clear.

In meditation, what you are going for is to be fully relaxed and yet keenly alert. You are totally immersed in the bareness of what is, and at peace with it. A lot of people confuse spacing out or blissing out with meditation. I dare say, if there is any "out" involved, you're probably not meditating. Drinking the pu-erh brought me into a meditation that was so grounded in the Earth and yet as spacious as the sky. It was truly a phenomenal experience.

My friend left, taking his pu-erh with him, but a few days later I couldn't stop thinking about that tea experience. I have a daily meditation practice, but have struggled lately to keep it at three times a day. I always do my morning meditation and usually do my evening meditation, but have a hard time getting myself to break in the middle of the day for another meditation session. I work at home and set my own schedule, so there is no external reason I can't do it. I've just had a hard time getting myself to switch gears mid-day, even though when I do it refreshes and refocuses me so that I work better afterwards. I realized that if I had the tea I might take meditative tea breaks right after my "working lunch" and thereby get in my third meditation session each day. (As it turns out, even with the low caffeine, there is a degree of nervous system stimulation from the pu-erh, and I can only handle every other day. That's where the white tea comes in.)

Since my friend who introduced me to pu-erh was traveling, and I knew he got his from a shop near his home in Santa Cruz anyway, I had to hunt around online to find a good source for my own pu-erh setup. A key find was the Pu-erh Tea Community, which led me to Generation Tea, where I bought a 25 year old shou and sheng blend, and Imperial Tea, where I bought a 4 oz. yixing and gongfu tasting and aroma cups.

This is the second time I am mentioning the term "sheng," so let me explain more about that now. Basically, sheng pu-erh is green tea that has been allowed to age under the right conditions, while shou pu-erh is a fermented tea that has been manipulated by man to have the taste of a very old sheng, though it is actually quite young. Needless to say, shou is cheaper, but sheng is for the true connoisseur. The blend I got of the two was a compromise. I spent $28 per ounce and got a tea that tasted 25 years old and that carried the energetic quality of 25 years of aging, even though the quantity was "extended" by shou "filler."

From Wikipedia's Pu-erh page: "Pu-erh tea can be purchased as either raw/green (sheng) or ripened/cooked (shou), depending on processing method or aging. Sheng pu-erh can be roughly classified on the tea oxidation scale as a green tea, and the shou or aged-green variants as post-fermented tea.... Unlike other teas that should ideally be consumed shortly after production, pu-erh can be drunk immediately or aged for many years; pu-erh teas are often now classified by year and region of production much like wine vintages."

I have come to truly love my midday breaks with this tea. I use it as an entry point into meditation. I spend about 30 minutes enjoying multiple steeps of the tea, then meditate for 20 minutes. I start my meditation from a mental state that is already very close to what meditation produces, so that my 20 minutes deliver quite an effect.

Last week I got to share the tea with my Buddhist teacher. We have tea together rather frequently, but usually he is the one sharing tea with me. This time I got to introduce him to pu-erh, a tea he had never even heard of. First I checked that he was okay with having a Chinese tea, since he is Tibetan. He said that tea was universal and he had no problem with enjoying it. And enjoy it he did.

At the first sip he was visibly affected and his literal response was "oh! This is very good tea." He drank more and then added, "I can feel this is really doing something for my body. It is very cleansing." We drank for about an hour before we even spoke about anything else. We simply sat enjoying the tea and each other's presence. As we sat, it was as if our Buddha Nature expanded. I felt like I was at day 3 of a meditation retreat. We then began to converse, but the conversation took a very different form than the sorts of things we normally talk about. For the first time, I felt I was sitting with a dear friend, and not just a teacher. He has often described me as a friend and himself as my spiritual friend, but I never really accept that, and always refer to him as my teacher. Yet in that moment, I sat with a friend, and we spoke of his life as friends would.

I will end this introduction to the meditative qualities of pu-erh here, though really I could go on. I would invite you to go into a Chinese tea shop and experience the tea for yourself if you are near a Chinatown or an Imperial Tea Court (Berkeley/San Francisco). The investment to get started if you buy everything like I did would be about $100. I was willing to spend a little more than that because I had already had the tea served to me. It is a big leap to invest that much for your first cup. Though I suppose you could get away with just buying the tea and using it with your current teapot and teacups. Drinking it gongfu style is recommended though. That truly is a part of the meditative quality of the overall experience of the tea, and also changes how the tea tastes. Brewing a pot and pouring it into a 6-12 oz. cup is simply not the way to drink pu-erh.

You can watch this Gongfu cha dao How-to video to get a good introduction to the method, but you don't have to be a total purist to get the benefits of the method. Just note how he uses the aroma and tasting cups and uses a very small teapot and small teacups. He steeps the tea many times, and truly the most delicious pot of pu-erh to me is generally around the 4th or 5th steeping. You simply steep the tea longer each time, starting with about 10 seconds for the 1st steeping, which you pour off (it contains most of the caffeine, and also washes the leaves). The second steeping is generally around 30 seconds, on through the 6th, which is generally about 3 minutes. Again, this is just a guide and how I like it. You must experiment for yourself to find your "sweet spot" based on personal taste, the variety of pu-erh you purchase, and also how much tea leaf you are putting in the pot. You can read more about gongfu cha dao on Wikipedia. Enjoy.

Too Simple

2009-08-23T10:04:00.000-07:00

There is a beauty that is too simple for most to see. There is a peace too pervasive to embrace, and a joy too unearned to satisfy. Thankfully, there is also a power we each carry within us to make a new choice, a different one in this moment. We can choose to accept what is simple, pervasive, and unconditional as the very thing we have sought, and thereby come to full rest within this very moment.

This is it. This is the moment you have waited for. This is the breath you needed to exhale, and see how the one you needed to inhale comes so effortlessly following after.

There are still so many habits that rule your life and determine your actions and reactions. Yet the antidote to them all is so simple. Sit in meditation each day. Learn through meditation how to let habitual action and inner reaction pass through without identifying with it as "I" or "my experience." Just watch it, as an attentive observer. Be the silent and impartial witness to the cascade of inner turmoil, joy, sadness, anger, and judgmental chatter that calls itself feeling and thought.

Notice too the viewpoint that is watching. Watch the watcher. The truly miraculous thing is that the impartial watcher within you is the same as the one within me, and every other sentient being. There is only one watcher, taken form in many different bodies and watching the passage of many different life stories, all at once. We are not connected; we are one.

And we are enlightened right now. Notice. And appreciate the simple things.

The inner chatter and habitual behavior doesn't necessarily stop when you awaken to your ever-present perfection. It eventually will because you won't be feeding it with the energy of new "I" identity energy, which it depends on to grow, but at first and for probably a long time it will still be there. Yet through meditation you will have trained yourself to not be bothered by it and to most assuredly not feed it. And so, there is the habitual mind, and there is the perfection, and it is all here right now, in peace.

The fire
Has roared near you.
The most intimate parts of your body
Got scorched,

So
Of course you have run
From your marriages into a
Different
House

That will shelter you
From embracing every aspect of Him.

God has
Roared near us.
The lashes on our heart's eye got burnt.
Of course we have
Run away

From His
Sweet flaming breath
That proposed an annihilation
Too real,

Too
Beautiful.

~ Hafiz

Choose again. Sit, watch, and learn to separate Truth from untruth, the Divine you from the temporary form of you. It truly is just that simple. Anyone could do it. I've taught it to convicts right there within prison. Absolutely nothing about enlightenment is the stuff ego pride can grow on. So what do you truly choose? Your next actions will answer that question for you, honestly.

Right-Livelihood, What is It?

2009-07-30T11:50:00.000-07:00

Over the last couple weeks I have been experiencing a tremendous deepening of my connection with my spiritual self's wisdom. I have long believed that surrender to the highest inner wisdom of the "God within" was the only way to fulfill one's potential in life, but only recently have I begun to live that truth, embracing Spirit as the master of my life. I find lately that I am often dwelling in a state of constant surrender, asking, "what do you want of me?" instead of "what do I want right now?"

However, I still have to apply my intellect to sort out and apply the instruction I am given. Spirit doesn't tend to say things like, "I want you to quit this job and apply for this one. And no more wine. Stick to apple juice." At least it doesn't say those sorts of things to me, anyway. Instead it gives images, impressions, feelings and flashes of insight. It is up to intellect to figure out how those things fit within the physical realm we act within. And that's where the confusion comes in when I wonder if I'm doing the right thing at the right time, and if not, what would constitute the right thing to most fully actualize Spirit's highest goals for my life.

For a couple years now my online technology consulting work has seemed blessed; it flowed so naturally and I became so good at it so quickly. When I decided to do the work primarily for non-profits (NPOs) it seemed to my intellect that it would of course be a combination that was even more favored by Spirit. But then the transition has been like slogging through mud. It keeps almost happening, but not quite happening.

At the same time, just yesterday I heard from someone I did a spiritual healing session with years ago, who tells me he has adapted a part of the work I once did with him, creating a daily practice he calls "The Way of the Heart." He says that doing the 5 min. practice several times each day has brought him his life partner, and that it has done the same for several other people he taught it to. It was the centering intro for my work, not the focus, so no soulmates with me. Still, it makes me think about doing sessions again.

He wrote me to ask if I would review the book he is writing about it, and when I gave him some clarifying feedback, he asked how I had come up with the original method. Within my search for the answer to his question within distant memory, I delved more deeply into the heart of the work I once did than I have in several years. Doing so renewed my love for the work, and my recollection of just how profound a difference I was making in people's lives.

The reason I had stopped doing it was the "business" aspect of the work. What got hard for me was that I'm not much of an entrepreneur in general, but particularly when I am having to promote myself as having such nebulous abilities. My technology work is more concrete, and so doesn't feel as much like a promotion of "me," so trying to sell my value in that regard doesn't feel as vulnerable as trying to sell my value with healing work.

When technology clients say, "We've worked with many consultants, and Indigo is the best we have found; she did wonders for our business," and these people are leaders in their industries, well that feels like very strong affirmation and I'm confident other companies will want me to do the same for them, and expect I can. Spiritual healing work is very different from that. After a few years, I just didn't have it in me to keep up the effort of maintaining a separate healing room (at considerable extra expense above my personal living space needs), keeping promotional materials in circulation so that clients could find me, and then "closing the deal" and scheduling the sessions. It all felt like a burden, rather than a gift.

Writing to Forest and explaining the content of the full ClearLight Nature/Bliss Therapy sessions brought back the reason I had created the method in the first place, as well as my confidence in just how effective it is. It truly does restore people to an experience of their spiritual center as their "I" identity. And it leaves them with guidance they can use to help maintain that, even as familiar habits and life structures pull them back towards their old norm.

Then today I read an article by Dave Pollard called The World Changing Story, which essentially asks the question, "If our current civilization is collapsing in on itself, as it appears to be doing, what part of our path forward do you want to be?"

In reflecting on how to answer, I realize that I also see the current way of life as unsustainable, but am split on how I fit into the effective human response. A part of me is concerned with financially supporting myself so that I am not a victim of the worst of it. (e.g. The difference in experience of catastrophe between the poor and the wealthy during Katrina was significant, and I'm still far closer to the poor pole than the secure one.) Another part of me wants to ease people's suffering in immediate ways -- sort of salve and bandage the wounds -- hence my desire to work with non-profits as a tech consultant, helping them be more effective in their service work, and my creation of the Phone Buddies peer counseling community.

Still another part of me sees a spiritual solution. We need as many people as possible attuned with their Buddha Nature/Inner Wisdom to guide us out of this. Intellect won't manage it. This leads me to want to go back to doing my spiritual healing work, which was focused on exactly that "re-centering."

So how do I balance these 3 wants? Is it Spirit's desire that I do incorporate all 3 into my life, or is it pointing me towards just one now? Was the previous support for the technology work only meant to last for that period of time, and is it now time to refocus on offering spiritual healing work and trying to help as many people as I can before X happens? Is it the intermediate work of helping non-profits with technology that is not supported, and I am meant to support myself financially by offering technical assistance to well paying corporate clients so that I can offer the spiritual sessions for free and easily afford the space to conduct them in? Or should I do nothing, and simply wait for something to walk right up and lay itself across my lap, as opportunities did when I lived in Bali?

Spirit, speak more clearly; my intellect is not succeeding in sorting out your cryptic instructions.

Addendum 8/09: As is often the case, as soon as I clarify the question, the universe sets about creating the answer all around me through the circumstances of my life. I was letting myself get lost in other people's ways of relating to life, within which I will never find peace because it is simply not my viewpoint. I am not a person with a story that looks forward, only one which is revealed looking back. Fortunately for me, by then it no longer matters, and so I am not confined by my stories. I don't know who I am or what I am doing in this world. I know I have many opportunities to be of use because I have taken advantage of each opportunity to be of use in the past, even the ones that were rejected as unworthy of a developed intellect by so many others before me. What that adds up to, I don't need to know, unless I'm looking for a good party-talk answer to the question, "What do you do?" I can't live my life for good party talk. I guess they'll just have to be satisfied to hear that I am an unlimited being at play within the ocean of being, motivated by love, and satisfied by this moment.

Dare to be Perfect

2009-07-24T12:54:00.000-07:00

In the previous article I talked about self-love and how self-love is essential in order for us to feel the sense of security we need to relax into the present moment. We cannot be fully present if we think mental vigilance is needed to guard against impending threat, and we cannot stop expecting threat if we believe there is something bad about ourselves that deserves to be punished.

Hopefully you have been sitting each day in meditation on self-love and are beginning to see some progress with your reprogramming. Now I want to extend the focus of the discussion to also include another aspect of your journey of self-healing and your embrace of full self-love.

"You are originally unlimited and perfect. Later you take on limitations and become identified with the mind. Mind is consciousness which has put on limitations." - Ramana Maharshi

You are perfect. Your life is perfect.

By perfect, I do not mean, "very good, great, almost got it, just one more thing to fix." By perfect, I mean, PERFECT, as in no where to go and nothing to do that will provide any actual improvement. That heaven you've been looking for, that promised land? This is it.

Right here, right now, this is what you've been searching for. You have been a drop of water immersed in a great ocean and looking everywhere for a glass of water. Finding no glass, no outer shell to delineate where the water begins and ends, you say "it must be somewhere else." And so the hunt goes on.

This is it. It's here now. There is nothing to achieve to improve upon what is. Your life is already perfect.

It can be very attractive to live in search of a better moment. To embrace what is can seem like a tremendous let down. Yet once you accept the perfection of this moment, you won't stop going to work. You won't stop bathing and become a homeless vagabond with a begging bowl. If you don't feel drawn to that, then it is not your soul's intention, and so the path of surrender will not carry you there. (Though it could happen if you keep resisting whatever IS happening.)

If what feels good to you is physical comfort and mental stimulation, then when you surrender the future to the future, and accept that you are on a path that not only is perfect in every step, but also perfect in its destination, then you will increasingly find yourself in a life situation that has all those features that make you feel good. Ramana Maharshi felt utterly at peace living in a loin cloth and lived in a cave at one point, but if you are not drawn to the simplicity of that, it is not what surrender will look like for you. You don't need to ward it off. Just clarify what you do intend.

Maybe right now there are some very concrete things that are undesirable in your life. You don't like that you are sick and don't want to be that way anymore. You don't like that you don't have a job. You want that to change. And so on. I for one would like to live in a home with more rooms so I could entertain without having people walk through my bedroom to get to the bathroom, not to mention wishing I had more clients for my bread-and-butter tech consulting business so that I wasn't always living on "just enough to break even" within a very modest lifestyle. I'm not saying to pretend you like things you don't like or that you don't want things that you truly do want.

When I say your life is perfect right now, I mean this moment is a perfect opportunity for the highest peace, joy, love, and sense of well-being that is humanly possible. This moment holds just as much potential for that experience as any other moment ever could. You could have all the things you desire and none of the things you loathe, and still not feel contentment in your heart. Or you could be just as you are, with a mixed plate of bitter and sweet before you, and yet dwell in a complete state of bliss. You could, but do you intend to?

If you are like many people, you are suffering under a wrong belief that if you give up your war against what is, you will be forever deprived of the things you want and in fact sink deeper and deeper into poverty, obscurity and lack. You will be loved less, fed less, praised less, and happy less, if you don't keep grasping and fighting and climbing with all your might.

Or else you give up. You're exhausted, can't do it anymore, who needs it. You accept that not only is your life imperfect, it will never be perfect. Who are you to have the audacity to believe you deserve a perfect life? Who said you even deserved a single perfect moment within this life?

I am saying it now, and I invite you to listen to the words of many who have come before me who have said the very same thing. They said it about you and about themselves, and they were right about both.

"This that I have done, you too will do." - Jesus the Christ
"When you realize how perfect everything is, you will tilt your head back and laugh at the sky” - Buddha
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. " - Buddha

Note that there is a difference between acknowledging and embracing the perfection that is present versus striving for perfect outcomes. Perfectionism is the endeavor to create perfection in ourselves or situations or things. What I am talking about involves no endeavor, and indeed not even any creation. I am talking about a surrender to the force of creation our intellects cannot manage, and a willingness to call its creation absolutely perfect.

Breathing in, we drink deep of what has been created for us. Breathing out, we pour ourselves into it and let the drop disappear back into the ocean, as the mind empties into silence. Breathing in and breathing out, you are perfect in this very moment. Dare to envision your life as a series of perfect moments, each one worshiped fully as it arose, and I assure you that in time this truth will be fully revealed within your external circumstances as well.

As above, so below. As within, so without. Your decision to proclaim lack or perfection as reality is so powerful that all the Universe will obey it.

Buddha is quoted as having said that in terms of our human experience of life, it is what we do with our minds that will determine what we experience: “The mind is everything. What you think, you become.”

My life is truly perfect right now. There is still plenty of room for improvement in areas like wealth, social life, even health, and I spend some time each day clarifying my intentions around what I want to experience in those areas, but I also experience this moment as perfection. Nothing needs to change before I can relax into this moment and give it my full attention without any resistance. I can "be here now," because there is no war with the present moment.

I do not write all this to you because I want you walking around thinking, "I'm perfect." I do want you to know that, but only so that it will then be possible for you to relax into this moment and let the future take care of itself.

Your bliss exists in only one place and time, here and now. If you refuse to find it here, you will never find it at all. I invite you to see perfection. I invite you to dare to embrace your perfection, and the perfection of your life. And I invite you to do it right now.

Namaste

2009-07-20T15:32:00.000-07:00

What have you been looking for that is so much more rewarding than what is here right now? Is it a dream of accomplishment you seek - affirmation that you are valuable and needed? Is it for the world to love you more, this time enough for you to actually feel lovable? Do you need the roar of the crowd to feel it, or is even that not enough? Is it the security and freedom that you believe more money will buy? Is it the promised impenetrable bliss that enlightenment is said to provide?

Are your distractions from your present moment experience more of the variety of entertainments or defenses? Are you grasping or pushing to get away from here -- to get away from "right now?"

I ask these questions because I see myself in all of them. As I sat in meditation at the Buddhist center yesterday, all these questions kept arising in my mind. In short, "Why exactly is it that I keep chasing after something in my mind instead of appreciating what is here within my experience right now?"

I am a smart woman. I know full well that happiness can only be had as an experience. The thought of happiness is the basis of hope, but actual happiness is better than the hope for future happiness. Unless there is dread of future suffering that is stronger than anything else within one's awareness. And I think that is the root of the issue for me. You should look within yourself, within the lessons of your life, and see what the root is for you. I share more on mine now, in case we are alike in this way.

Having identified this root, I next seek out the genesis of the root so that I know how to uproot it and make sure it never takes hold again. Seeking this, I recognize the programming of my childhood and early adulthood. I was programmed for self-hatred. The world often tried to convince me that I had no value -- because I was a girl, because I was black, because I was poor, because... fill in the blank. Society rarely comes right up to your face and speaks those words, though sometimes some of us have even experienced that.

Actually it is easier to be defended against it when it does say it plain. It's when the lesson comes from people's behaviors and the situations they thereby create, that the programming is particularly effective. You never even realize a lesson is being learned. You simply embody and then repeatedly re-create the beliefs that are carried by the lesson. There is more that is taught like this than merely self-attack, but that is the lesson I particularly want to focus on now. It is the one that leads to this ever-present anxiety about what lies behind the next corner.

Within us all is a sense of justice. I believe this in an inescapable human trait. That is why criminals always do stupid things that eventually get them caught. A part of them wants to get away with it, but another part wants to be punished, because they are convinced they deserve it. I tend to agree with the criminals that they deserved to face the legal consequences of their behavior, but what about you? You have never shot, stabbed, robbed, beaten, swindled or otherwise preyed upon those around you. Why do you deserve to be punished?

If you protest, "No, I know I don't deserve to be punished," then go back to the start of this article and begin again. Now, tell me, why is it that you believe you deserve to be punished? What is it about you that is so bad it must face pain and suffering in order for all to be right in the world?

Yes, and there is the pain, is it not? There is the tear, and the agony, and the why, and the not fair. There is that wounded child, a little bird that was ripped from its shell too soon. And I cry with you. And I cry for you. And I cry out to you, "Please stop."

Stop punishing yourself for the crime you never committed. Stop accepting your programming as truth. Recognize that all you believe is something you were taught, and that now, as an adult, it is your responsibility alone to conduct your reprogramming.

You must program yourself for love, or you will not be able to settle into the peace that is here within this moment. You will not be able to surrender the future to the future until you no longer believe that assuredly some great harm awaits you there -- a harm you must take action or expend thought to ward off now, instead of simply being present with what is.

Breathing in, think, "I love myself." Breathing out, think, "I embrace what is." Breathing in and breathing out, over and over, we proclaim and attend to the truth, and thereby create a new mental habit, one that works in harmony with our peace instead of obscuring it.

Notice that I say, "obscure," not "prevent" or "interrupt." There is nothing that ever prevents or interrupts your peace. Your peace is eternal, ever-present, and unshakable. Your peace is right here right now, as it always is. But are you present with it? Do you take it for granted, or do you worship it with the full holy awe to which it is due?

If there has ever been a small infraction by you that might warrant any suffering, I would say it is this. That you do not exhibit the proper gratitude for the sacredness of your life. You fritter away the moments thinking about the past or the future, regretting this, wanting that, warding off some other thing, and meanwhile moment after moment of life comes and goes unacknowledged by you with so much as a nod. You should be on your knees.

The greatness of who you are in this very moment is so awesome, so beautiful and radiant and powerful, you should be on your knees.

I bow to you. I salute you. I embrace you. I thank you for coming to Earth. And I do it all, now.

PeacePrayer on Twitter

2009-07-20T09:40:00.000-07:00

I left out the opening hashtag in the above title because my blogging software makes a url out of the title and browsers don't handled hashtags in urls properly (unless they are there to signify a location on the page). Really this article is about #PeacePrayer which is a Twitter meme that could make a real difference in your life and in our world.

The idea is this: every day each of us committed to fostering peace within our lives and within our world will make our first tweet of the day one that comes out of a vision of peace. We will then tweet whatever we think of and include the #PeacePrayer tag within it.

Method for Generating a Vision of Peace

Some people can just sit down and see a world at peace at will, but for most people that is an elusive vision. We know we like the idea of peace, but don't know what that would actually look like. By a vision of peace I don't mean a theory on the features of peace; I mean a clear mental image of people existing in a state of peace and going about their lives in that state.

In just 9 breaths you can generate a clear vision of peace like so: Sit quietly and focus your attention on your breath. Once you have that focus, imagine a light surrounding the entire planet, but invisible to everyone. See all the pain, fear, anger and sorrow that millions carry within them every day as if it were clouds within their hearts and minds. Then as you breathe in, watch as the all-pervading light sucks the clouds out of every heart and mind around the world. By your third breath, see each person completely cleared.

Then for 3 breaths, as you breathe out watch as the light pours itself into each person's heart. By your third breath, see that this light has radiated out from each person's heart to fill their entire being.

Now sit for three breaths simply witnessing the world at peace, filled with the light of love and surrounded by a world of well-being. Do you see many smiling faces? What are people doing? Watch and enjoy. Then open your eyes and write whatever comes out, adding #peaceprayer at the very beginning or very end.

Three breaths with visualization on the in-breath, three breaths with visualization on the out-breath, three breaths with steady visualization of peace on both in and out-breath, then write. That's it.

Timeframe

I would like to start by working on simply the remainder of this summer. If you feel you can commit to being a part of this meme for the rest of this summer, please retweet (RT) the original tweet that brought you to this page. That will be your affirmation of your participation.

At the end of the summer we can converse about whether we want to continue, and if so for what period of time.

I look forward to reading your #peaceprayer tweets. I know there is great wisdom within you. I also know that you cannot create what you cannot first envision. We must all be able to imagine a world at peace if we are ever to live in one. Let this be one step we take together in that direction.

Update 10/4/09 - Though summer has ended, consider taking the time each day to clarify your vision of the world you would like to contribute towards building. We don't have to tweet about it, but let us keep clarifying and empowering our visions.

Fellowship for Good - Kiva Invites You

2009-07-12T12:05:00.000-07:00

I have been a Kiva lender for a few months now and am glad I joined every time I get an email notifying me that one of the two Ghanaian women whose business I supported has repaid part of the funds, which I will then be able to make available to other borrowers. Normally I don't do more than read the email and smile to myself at how easy Kiva has made it to share a chance at the prosperity my birth in a rich nation has given me direct access to.

Today, for the first time I followed some of the links in the email to return to the Kiva website to have another look around. I'm glad I did, as I discovered the Kiva Fellows program, which allows people like you and me the opportunity to go to Ghana, Peru, Ukraine, etc. to work with the local Kiva field office which selects businesses for the program and guides them to success with their businesses.

Here is an excerpt from the site - Kiva Fellow Core Responsibilities:

The Kiva Fellow is an integral part of the Kiva Team, acting as Kiva's eyes and ears in the field and helping to extend limited resources to maximum effect. Kiva Fellows fulfill tasks set out in a Work Plan, defined by Kiva along with the host microfinance institution (MFI).

Facilitate Connections between Kiva's Borrowers and Lenders
Your journal entries, business postings and blog entries will help build the rich content that bridges our borrowers and lenders and makes Kiva's model work!
- Interview no less than 15 businesses per week to assess loan impact, verify data, and gather information for journal updates
- Develop innovative ways to facilitate connections via creative journaling, YouTube video and other means
- Write a blog entry every two weeks on the Kiva Fellows Blog
- Promote awareness of the host MFI and its programs to the Kiva lender community
- Promote an understanding of the Kiva lending community to borrowers

There are two more items on the list, and it is recommended you visit the Kiva site for complete details. I highlight this first one here because it reveals an answer to a dilemma I confronted years ago when trying to help an African orphans support non-profit use online technology to grow their international support base. I kept trying to impress upon them how important it would be to have a blog that included entries from recipients so that people who donated money could get direct feedback about the difference their contribution was making in the childrens' lives. I even set up the blog for them and posted the first entry, but they simply never got themselves to a point where they could post anything themselves.

Kiva probably faced a similar problem, and solved it by having westerners who would be there in the field, posting the information on behalf of those who received services. It may seem like a small thing, and you might wonder both why it would be so hard for the local people to do it or why it would be important enough to send people half way around the world to do for them. I still don't know why it is such a seemingly insurmountable hurdle for local agency staff abroad to do the updates, but I can definitely say as a financial supporter myself that those updates mean a great deal to me. They are the human proof that there was a good reason for me to skip those two dinners out with friends to send the money I had worked for and earned to someone I have never met and will never meet. Those updates provide the motivation to keep on giving, so that others too will benefit based on the experience lenders had with those who came before them.

The next deadline for Kiva Fellow applications is coming up Oct. 1 and that trip will be departing in early February. If you do decide to apply, please come back and share insights about your experience in the sidebar comments.

As someone who has traveled and lived in financially impoverished countries, I can definitely attest to the life changing impact such an experience has on you. Though I never went as part of an official program, I always sought out and found opportunities to make a contribution to the lives of those around me beyond simply paying them a good price for whatever products their family business sold. I never saw myself doing the 2 year, government sponsored Peace Corp program, but the 3-6 month non-profit based Kiva Fellows program could be a great fit for anyone who sees economic independence as a key part of self-actualization for people around the world, and who wants to be a part of helping that happen.

The Right Kind of Independence

2009-07-05T15:19:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was the 4th of July, an American holiday celebrating our liberation from Great Britain so that we became a separate country instead of a collection of British colonies. It is sometimes referred to as Independence Day.

Some friends of mine at a barbecue yesterday kept greeting people with "Happy Inter-dependence Day," and I definitely find that more appropriate a wish given what is needed in the journey ahead if we are to survive as a species. We need to recognize our interdependence and begin working together for the common good, instead of trying to climb over each other's bones for a personal "win."

Yet a deeper interpretation of the word "independence" offers a promise for even greater human triumph than that which social interdependence could bring. The independence of which I speak is freedom from the tyranny of a mind that criticizes everything you or anyone else does, is impossible to keep happy for long, and which seems to feel it has something of value to say about every little moment of your life.

Do you ever find yourself thinking, "My head hurts. I need to get some sleep. I need some peace and quiet. But these thoughts keep running through my head, on and on?" Do you ever tire of the constant judgment flowing through your head? Wouldn't you like to be free of all that?

Well I sure would, and that is what I want to invite you to cultivate in your life. May you find independence from the tyranny of your chattering mind. May you be at peace. May you close your eyes in just a moment, take a deep breath in, think "I accept myself" as you breath out, then pause on empty and allow your mind to go blank. Then breathe in again as such, and begin the cycle again. May you do this over and over for the next 10 minutes, and opening your eyes, find yourself immersed in an all-pervading clarity and peace.

Be well.

On Racism

2009-06-28T12:32:00.000-07:00

I was asked how I as a Black person can work so hard to bring healing and happiness to people of races that have a rough history with my race (aka, White people). I was actually kind of shocked, but saw the earnestness of the questioner, so tried to come up with a meaningful response. At the time I didn't do so well, truly thrown off by the perspective of the question, given my world view. I think I said something like, "Well everyone is an individual, not a member of a group. You can't relate to people as if they were groups."

On further reflection however, this is what I really have to say:

I have been blessed to have been born into a family that did not believe in hating those who hurt them. Nor did they assume that this stance of forgiveness would be spontaneous within us kids -- so they taught us -- correcting and explaining as necessary to guide us to a place where there was peace in our hearts, even as we confronted painful incidents of racism and discrimination.

Neither were we taught to turn a blind eye to injustice. My step-father and grandmother in particular were very vocal about their thoughts and feelings about racism, and about other forms of discrimination against other groups. As many things as my family may have done wrong as I was growing up, this is one area in which they clearly got it right.

I will not say that I am color-blind. I notice race, but I do not see through the filter of race. I do not conceive of myself as a Black person, but rather as a person, one for whom sometimes it is quite significant that I am Black. I see others the same way.

To be color-blind would mean to deny the very real impact that racial heritage has on how much of the world treats a person, and thereby shapes that person's life experience in very powerful ways. I sometimes have reason to note a person's racial heritage because it becomes relevant to something that is happening or that they are saying, but in general it doesn't rise into my awareness any more than other details about their appearance.

I do categorize people a bit, not being completely able to perceive everyone as an individual of unlimited potential in each moment, but it is more in terms of the decisions they have made about who they are. Categories I would use to generally think of my friends would include: Super-loving, Environmentally Proactive, Community oriented, Musician, Dancer, Nature-dweller, etc.

When I run into them that impression tends to influence my unconscious assumptions about them. These are of course all positive characteristics, but still it is a type of prejudice. I have been socialized to be prejudicial in my thinking just as much as the next person has. It's just that for me race was never included as a major category, and certainly not a negative one, and really the idea of having negative prejudices in general was not a part of my upbringing.

Many parents assume that because they themselves are not racist their children naturally won't be, but nothing could be further from the truth. The society teaches racism, and to ignore that is to let it run free reign within the hearts and minds of the next generation. My family knew this because as victims of racism who had not let it harden their hearts, they saw the development of racism within the young around them of various races, and empathized with those children as victims in their own way. They understood how it happens, and knew it could happen in their own children too, even if coming from the opposite racial perspective. And they therefore worked very hard to see that that did not happen to us.

And so now I can unequivocally say that I do not feel ill-will for someone simply because they may feel ill-will towards me. What I truly wish for is their growth, learning and healing. I know that if they can develop a sufficient degree of self-love they will find there is no room in their hearts for hating anyone. They will discover that their light shines equally upon all who draw near, and that this is the fundamental truth about who they are. I know this about them, but they don't yet, and that's okay. I will hold that truth for them until they are ready to do so for themselves.

And I will go on writing books and articles meant to inspire everyone, creating communities meant to emotionally support everyone, teaching meditation to even murderers so that they may find peace, and generally being utterly irresponsible in my loving. I will not build walls to separate the supposedly deserving from the supposedly undeserving. I do this for my own good, and am glad it blesses you as well.

The Schizotypal Shaman

2009-06-23T09:48:00.000-07:00

If you have a spare 80 minutes, check out this fascinating Stanford lecture video on the Biology of Religion, which could more aptly be called, "How religiosity is the healthy trait expression of schizophrenia and OCD."

Not being a follower of any ritual based religion (my Tibetan lama has removed the ritual aspects of the religion from our sangha's practice), I don't myself see the benefits of the traits linked to OCD. But for those people who find peace within ritual and believe in its transformative power, hopefully you find no insult in the linkage to OCD. You really have to watch a good chunk of the video for the connection to be clarified, but he is definitely not pathologizing religion.

In fact, he starts with examples of how biological traits of physical illnesses also have valuable protective abilities within a society. Sickle cell anemia results from a trait that protects against malaria. Cystic fibrosis from a trait that protects against cholera. Tay-Sachs traits that protect against tuberculosis, and so on. It is the small portion of cases where the trait is excessive that disease results. Because the trait normally expresses in a healthy way, it gets passed on to future generations (many people with the trait still reproduce).

The need to "get it just right" is the key point of the lecture. In traditional tribal cultures, the shaman who goes into a trance, speaks to spirits, and thereby draws in healing energy in a ritual that the next day has the sick person get up from their sick bed totally well, or allows them to forewarn of the need to make a change in the tribe's behavior which months later turns out to save all their lives, this shaman is using the best of the traits of schizophrenia to benefit everyone. The schizophrenic who babbles to himself during a part of the hunt where everyone needs to be quiet in order to catch the game, gets exiled. There is a world of difference between highly well adapted traits that make super capable and maladaptive disorders that make one incompetent when it comes to personal survival and tribal survival.

As someone who possesses some such traits (channeling healing energies like Reiki and Johrei, having some truly miraculous healing experience in my treatment of AIDS patients, etc.) and who has also experienced some of the more difficult aspects of them within modern culture (the need for personal isolation within a culture that demands constant social contact in order to achieve), this lecture had a particularly strong resonance within me. It makes me feel both vindicated and condemned. Great to think my biology falls in that "just right" range where I can use the traits beneficially, but still so very hard to live with Shamanic ability within a culture of skepticism. And to have it be biological means that like the autistic, there is really no amount of trying and learning that will ever get me to a point where I don't need to be alone so much just to be at peace.

Fortunately, a tendency towards religious belief also seems to be a very strong buffer against depression. It is thought to relate to religious belief's ability to soothe the pervasive human need for a sense of control over one's environment. Humans don't like it when cause and effect relationships are obscured so that they have no sense of what they need to do to get what they want and avoid what they do not want. In fact, an internal "locus of control" is a well-established psychological determinant of mental health, as opposed to feeling buffeted about by circumstances beyond one's control or a victim of fate.

Lastly, the lecture points at one other pathology whose traits offer some positives when expressed in a mild and adaptive form: temporal lobe epilepsy (to be distinguished from other forms of epilepsy). With TLE traits the person may have a tendency to write a lot and to be fascinated with philosophical/metaphysical topics. It's not that they are necessarily moved by the subjects or applying them in their lives. They are simply fascinated by the mental musing and synthesis of ideas about the subject through writing.

This is a trap of the religious life that many good teachers will point out. Many Buddhists I think particularly fall prey to the down side of this one. They get stuck at a love of the ideas, but do not practice them in their daily lives. They can ruminate and theorize endlessly about the value of compassion, and then be rude to every single person they meet without seeing any incongruity between the two. Yet surprisingly, the same could be said of many atheists. They are just as fascinated by religious ideas, simply from the standpoint of refuting them. They can go on for hours (or write volumes) about all the reasons why religion makes no sense, and they will if you give them an ear.

Similarly, Catholic spiritual leaders back in the 16th Century could be found warning about the practice of empty ritual and how it was important to not let the meaning and spiritual experience of the ritual be lost. Congregations were told to guard against the people who would be attracted to the religion by the structure of the ritual but essentially have no heartfelt embrace of it.

I suppose we should also add to the list of "warnings of pathology masquerading as the healthy balance that produces a benefit to the community" the new age teacher who wants to convince everyone they are speaking for God (the one and ONLY God) as a unique and special messenger. This would be the distortion of the shaman role in the community. The traditional shaman is never thought of as having a special relationship with God. It's more that they have a job that few people are needed to fill, and that few can fill, but it's still just a job within the community.

I can't really present you with any conclusion from all this that goes beyond what has already been said. I think the point is just to present these ideas for you to reflect on with your own experience. For me, I think it leads me to a place of greater acceptance around my solitary nature. I had recently begun thinking I really needed to somehow overcome that, but this research suggests continued attempts would be just as futile as past ones have been. Rather, I should see the value in having the other traits that go with that, and commit myself to making good use of them.

If you find any of yourself reflected in this post, I hope you find an insightful yet empowering conclusion as well. Peace and blessings be with you.

Update 9/14/09 - Comments have just been added to this blog, and this article can now accept reader comments.

Fun New Connection Features at Indigo Ocean

2009-06-17T21:08:00.004-07:00

Hello everyone. I am so happy to be able to announce that I've just added some new gadgets to this blog that will allow me to hear from you and for you to share with one another your insights, tips, and inspirations around health, wisdom, and well-being.

In the right sidebar you will now see three new features:

1 - A member's area -- please join so that you can post. You can use your existing Google, Yahoo, AIM, or Open ID instead of having to create a new profile/login just for this site

2 - A comments area -- your insights and feedback are an integral part of what this site is meant to be about. Please share.

3 - An article recommendation area -- think an article should be up in the light blue box at the top of the home page so everyone visiting the site will see it? Go to the individual page for that article (not the home page or archive pages that include several articles) and click the "recommend it" link on the last line. You will find links to the most recent articles in the left sidebar under "Ripples in the Pond... Recent Posts." Note that you don't have to pick articles that aren't already listed. The top 5 articles with the most recommendations will appear within the box, so if you agree, register your thumbs up for that article too.

I hope you will find that these new features make the Indigo Ocean blog even more of an uplifting and nurturing retreat within your life. I have long seen that there were many readers coming back each day, but I didn't really have the time to moderate comments, so couldn't really do much to tie everyone together. Hopefully this will be the answer to that. Blessings to you all, and thanks for your loyalty all these years that this has been a comment-less blog.

Endings and Beginnings

2009-06-13T16:37:00.005-07:00

As of a couple days ago, it is official that I won't be teaching meditation to teens at the juvenile detention center any longer. I will miss the connection I had with the teens, but definitely will not miss interacting with the organization.

Fortunately I get to go in on Monday to at least be able to say goodbye to the boys, instead of just disappearing like their previous teacher was forced to do (who was also yanked out by admin for reasons unrelated to the actual delivery of services to the kids). Every week they have asked me about her and I only just found out the day things came to a head for me that she had been asked to leave and not allowed to go back to say goodbye.

I had actually offered to stay on for another month, since all the boys in my group will be turning 18 and moving on to adult prisons at that time, but all I got was this coming Monday evening. I'll take it. At least they won't be wondering what happened to me and imagining the worst, the way they've been doing with the other teacher.

What a shame that the organizations that provide such valuable services are plagued with such dysfunction that the kids wind up being more dependable than the teachers. These guys are so committed to the work, it's a shame to not be able to find them regular teachers that the organization is willing to accept. In the end though, for me, it came down to a difference of philosophy. They seem to believe there is only one way to do the work, which is to use one's personal history as a teaching tool, while I believe that there are multiple effective teaching methods, and mine is "get the self out of the way and let a higher wisdom come through."

I have no doubt that both methods work, because I've seen both work, as have all my co-teachers, who are sorry to see me go. But sometimes the truth just can't be brought out, and it's just time to let it go and move on.

I was very sad about this last week and praying for some assistance in coming to peace with it in my heart. Then I logged on and saw that my Facebook profile had been approved (had to get past the "real name" filters due to having such an unusual name), and in the couple days since I've found so many amazing light beings who I have shared the path with at various points over the last couple decades. It has been truly heart warming to reconnect with all these people who adore me and who I adore, such angels of goodness, generosity, and joy. I am so thankful for having them in my life, both in the past and now in a renewed connection online, though they are scattered all over the world.

I held out a long time, with several friends trying to get me to join, but I always thought it would be a waste of time and couldn't imagine genuine social connection coming through something called Facebook. Well I stand corrected. Just loving it right now. You can find me there at Indigo Ocean on Facebook.

What I'm researching - CRM, SaaS, etc.

2009-06-09T19:26:00.009-07:00

I've been looking around the web a great deal lately to discover new SaaS business tools that solve business problems more affordably. I'm discovering that many a CRM consultant offers a downloadable CRM implementation guide (particularly for Salesforce crm implementation projects and Salesforce implementation consultants). That leads me to think that there must be a lot of businesses out there trying a "do it yourself" approach to getting started.

That's both good and bad. Good that the available software is getting more accessible so that people feel they can do this. Bad because in my experience people usually make a lot of fundamental mistakes, both in setting up their systems but also in choosing the right products to solve their needs in the first place. I really think it's one of those areas where a couple thousand bucks invested up front getting a consultant to help out can really pay off in tens of thousands in return on investment in the long run.

I'm also noticing more and more that for a Salesforce crm consultant in particular there is a need to help people understand best practices, since it is hard to find instructional material, and what is available is so overwhelming to most people that it might as well not even exist. I think that can be said less for products like Zoho, which are more limited but also simpler to learn.

Another thing I'm finding in my research is that the number of new products coming out seems to be trending upward over the last 3 years. It's as if "software in the cloud" or whatever catch-phrase you use for it, just went viral. It is a little hard to keep up with, and I think that also creates an opening for any technology consultant that can guide people through it and help with business process optimization. Salesforce training services are also still growing strongly in demand, probably linked to the dominance of that software in the CRM space. All good things.

Rather than creating a downloadable, I'm going to develop a separate blog for comparing all these different SaaS technologies and giving people free advice. If a subject holds your interest, why not share the information you collect with others? Besides, it may help me organize the information more for my own uses too. Nothing like having an audience to sharpen your focus, as any blogger reading this surely knows.

I'll post later on that blog once I really get it going. I'm going to need to decide between Blogger and Wordpress. I've been using Blogger a while now (including for this blog), but I'm seeing that Wordpress has some nice features I might want to use on the new blog. For one, the tag clouds that show category popularity would be nice. However, I get Blogger at not additional cost to have the blog hosted on my own server, whereas with Wordpress I wind up paying about $60 yearly for a blog with no ads on it that is hosted externally and another $100 yearly for PHP capabilities on my host (which currently I don't need, as I'm serving only static HTML pages).

Since I'm helping a friend make a site with Wordpress this month, that will give me a chance to sort out whether I want to establish my new online technology blog on that platform or stay with Blogger. To be continued.

I have succumbed - I'm on Twitter

2009-06-03T17:19:00.004-07:00

I had no intentions of joining Twitter. As you can see if you've been following this blog, I don't even post all that often. But then I started a Twitter account for my business to see how well it worked for that and in the process I learned enough about Twitter to want to give it a try for my personal online presence as well.

Imagine my surprise when I went to sign up only to find out that there was someone already using my name on Twitter! After signing up under an alteration of my name I looked him up (yes, it's a he) and discovered he's a guy named Jason. After I post this I'm going to send him a message inquiring about his name choice. Though I would rather be the one using my own name, I can't deny that I'm happy to "meet" what may be a kindred soul. I have actually run across two other Indigo Oceans (both women and neither with it as their legal name) over the last 20 years it has been my name. (No, I was not born Indigo Ocean, but it's been a long, long time since I wasn't Indigo Ocean.)

Anyway, I'll update this post when I hear back from Jason/IndigoOcean, assuming he replies back. I'm also following him on Twitter now. Hey, I've got to start somewhere and none of my friends seem to be on. If you would like to follow me I would love that. Since I haven't been able to stay on top of this blog enough to allow comments, following me on Twitter and sending replies to my @IamIndigoOcean postings is a great way for you to open up a two way dialogue with me. I'm really going to try to post something there at least a couple times a week. You can follow me by clicking this link Indigo Ocean on Twitter.

Looking forward to getting to know you. Peace and blessings, Indigo.

Update 6/13/09: Received a message from Jason that he was changing his Twitter username to be his real name so that I could have access to my name. Thanks Jason! I am now simply @IndigoOcean on Twitter (and I've updated the above link, in case you want to follow me).

Time for Lift Off

2009-04-12T14:21:00.004-07:00

Listening to Anam Thubten Rinpoche speak on the Buddhist path as he teaches it, I reflected on how his words resonated with my own life these days. He spoke of the many reasons that people go to spiritual teachers and admonished us that all he was offering was the path to enlightenment, not another type of "ground" for people to try to get their feet planted on when it feels like they are losing everything. He spoke of the tendency, when life has torn up the ground beneath us with an earthquake, to try to find some stable ground to re-establish a firm and reliable sense of safety. So we lose our job and become obsessed with improving our romantic relationship. Or a relationship ends and we throw ourselves into our work, each time thinking that the new focus is what we should have been focused on all along and that only it can deliver us out of suffering. Selecting a spiritual teacher can be just such an effort, looking for someone to make us feel safe in the world instead of someone to tear our world apart and give us no refuge within the illusion of samsara.

The key thing he mentioned that resonated with me was that when we have lost 99% of what we cherish, that is the most painful time. We react by trying to get back what we've lost, or create something better to take its place, but really what we need to do in order to end our suffering is to let go of that last 1%. Hanging out at "99% groundless" is an excrutiatingly painful place to dwell. And yet so many of us do that repeatedly. After a while the flow of enlightenment gives us a break and let's us have some illusion of safety again, but it can't last because the fundamental truth is that all security within a realm of birth, old age, sickness and death is inevitably ephemeral.

Recently the ground was torn out from under me, and I can already see that it has allowed me to soar. I was sailing along, preparing to buy a house this summer, when all the sudden my regional director decided to quit and my East Coast based company decided not to replace him, eliminating its Western division and my job in the process. There went my house. But then it turns out that I get to not only keep some of the clients, but to also start doing the work the regional director once did, only without having to give a cut to the East Coast company. My pay rate just doubled! This also lays the ground work for a number of long range plans I had forgotten about in my quest for a mortgage at 3.75% interest.

Of course, the moral of this story is not that my true refuge all along should have been self-employment instead of home ownership. That would just be ego doing its normal thing again. No, the teaching is that I have a choice to keep dancing as fast as I can to stay erect as an earthquake rages about me, or to finally let go of the one ground that has always been my final 1% refuge. And that refuge is my consciousness as this separate person I think of as "me."

Today I had the clarity that reality was ready for me to lift off and soar, and that it was therefore pulling the ground out from under me to give me the opportunity to do so. And I also realized that the manner in which I might do so is to shift my perspective from that of an I looking out at a world that is other, to that of an is that is experiencing the flow of itself in many forms. It actually isn't so hard to do once you have clarity about what you are intending to do. It's just that it's hard to integrate into the habits of daily living, because the strongest habit is to completely interact with life from a point of view of separateness. So it takes the same commitment that breaking any bad habit takes.

Ever quit smoking? Stop drinking? Foreswear any daily habit you knew was going to do you in if you didn't do it in first? Well that's the same approach to take to freeing oneself from the habit of seeing the world through the eyes of "me, me, me." Repeatedly interupt the acting out of the bad habit (self-referencing all perception) and deliberately repeat the desired behavior (experiencing the wholeness of the moment), again and again and again and ... Until it becomes the new habit. Then you don't do anything. You just live and don't make a new habit of thinking of yourself as someone who has achieved something. When you achieve having truly let go, there is no one left to congratulate himself for having achieved it.

So how about you? Could you put down that last X that's been killing you? Would you like to be free of the need for any type of security blanket? Are you doing it right now? Who is there to do it or not do it? Is awareness happening right now? Ahhh. What a nice place to rest, in a glide on the wind.

A Contact Improv Life Path

2008-10-12T16:54:00.003-07:00

Today I did contact improv for the first time. Often when I’m at dance gatherings I see people doing it, but I never do. Today someone I was dancing fast with offered me his hand and then pulled me into himself and lifted me off the floor. I was shocked and terrified. When he finally put me down I told him I didn’t know how to dance like that. He said it was okay, he would show me. Then he slowly flipped me over his head and gently brought me down to the ground, head first!

I stopped him again to explain that he was scaring the bejesus out of me. He said I was so light there was no way he could drop me and that he was a trained professional. I decided to relax into it and trust him with my neck (hopefully not to be my broken neck).

It wound up being one of the most amazingly wonderful experiences I’ve had in a long time. It was one of the most intimate exchanges of movement and heart I’ve ever shared in a dance. I had to completely trust him and be totally present with everything that was happening between us in order to know how to shift my weight at different times in order not to go flying or rolling off him. He still had to occasionally remind me that I didn’t need to hold onto him, as I would periodically recall that I had a self-story as a person who didn't know how to do contact improv, and would then clutch at him to avoid tumbling -- but for the most part I was able to let go and ride a wave of trust into a very beautiful space of communion.

I share this as an example of how the risks we take in life are often frightening. The most valuable experiences usually involve letting go, having nothing to hold onto and no knowledge of which direction fate is going to turn us next. And yet, if we take that leap, if we take those risks, on the other side is just a little bit more of our true selves. Sometimes the reward is quick in the coming, and other times years away. But always there is the refinement process going on of our becoming more and more true to the fullness of our potential.

What are you holding on to? What makes you feel like you're in control of your life? Who would you be if you let go of that? Could you let go of it? Would you? When?

With each letting go of the walls defining your self-story, the story that tells you how you grew up, what you learned and did, and who you are and are not, with each letting go of that story there is a breeze of freedom that blows through. If you let it, it will lift you and spin you and carry you and gently lower you down to the ground once more. And then you will walk with new feet on a new land and be new yourself.

This is to live life as if it was a contact improv exchange, with your partner embodied by all that is. I invite you. Enjoy the dance.

Dare to Care

2008-06-15T10:59:00.004-07:00

With so much turmoil and suffering in the world, and 24-7 news availability making sure we know about all of it, it's easy for anyone to start shutting down emotionally. You may not even realize it is happening. It's like boiling the frog slowly, so that it never realizes there is a crisis and that it needs to jump out to save its life.

Your open heart is the path to your spiritual unfoldment. The awakened heart IS what it means to be awake. Therefore, anything that causes you to close your heart is a direct threat to your spiritual health. You must respond with action and not wait for things to get bad enough that you are noticing impairment in your day to day life. By then you have already lost so much.

There is a meditation you can easily do in just 5 minutes each morning to re-attune yourself to the path of awakening. Just sit with eyes closed and begin to imagine all the fear and worry people are feeling in their lives right now. Maybe start with people you know personally and the worries you know them to have, or start with the things you worry about yourself, but make sure you expand your awareness to realize that all around the world people are worrying about what is going to happen in different areas of their lives. This worry eats them up inside and dulls their ability to feel joy. Really imagine this until you can feel the feeling of their worry within yourself. Then imagine all their worry being consumed by a beautiful bright light, vanishing out of existence in a flash.

Then begin to think of other feelings of suffering people live their lives buried beneath. The anger, the sadness, the guilt -- imagine each one being liberated into light all around the world. (Perhaps note to yourself that this light is real, all-powerful, and all-pervasive. It is always present, and is in fact your own essential nature.) In the end, spend another minute watching as each person the world around shines their inner light brightly, no longer being dulled by the clouds of fear, anger, grief, shame and the mental confusion these turmoultous inner states cause.

When you are done, rise and go about your day with the conviction that you will be a beacon of light in the world, living your own life free of these conflicting emotions and helping those around you to do the same. Remember to notice each person you meet as an individual and greet them with an open heart. Be well.

Midlife Suicide Rises - A Loving Response

2008-02-19T11:08:00.004-08:00

The NY Times published an article today on the rise of suicides among the "mid-life years" populace over the last few years. The article is worth reading and so are the hundreds of readers' comments. Having read the comments, I posit the following in summary and response:

Many people cite different versions of fear or dread of what is to come as the rationale. There are various reasons why people fear/dread their futures after 45 or so, but I think that the bottom line is that there is a belief that things are only going to get worse, so why not quit while one is ahead.

If we look at our lives in terms of our physical and economic realities, that is often true. Things are going to probably get worse and then end in extreme suffering for many people. The only way suicide doesn't make sense is if we decide we are going to be something more than our physical condition, whether in terms of health or possessions.

As the song goes, "the greatest thing you could ever learn is to love and be loved in return." When it is enough to have the chance to be in this world as a localized expression of an infinite love, exchanging love with other parts of itself in the form of other "bodies," then life is worthwhile regardless of your aches and pains or financial insecurity/decline. Then you look ahead with an expectation of always being surrounded by love, the love you give definitely and probably also love you will receive in return. There really isn't anything else worth living for.

Oh, and if you say you don't have anyone to love because you are estranged from "too busy" adult children, didn't have children, are divorced, are widowed, whatever ... don't have family.... Well walk out your front door and love the first person you meet. Love every single person you meet everywhere you go. Love the cashier at the grocery store, even if she doesn't seem to be doing anything to be worthy of your love. Love all the people who are unworthy of your love. Love fearlessly and relentlessly.

If you're pressed for time and or can't get out much, join the Phone Buddies emotional support community I started last year at www.Phone-Buddies.com and build ongoing relationships with other people who want to exchange loving and supportive connection. If you have more time and mobility, contact your local volunteer center and connect with organizations that could use your help. Whatever you do, find some way to connect with others in a loving way... and enjoy the ride!

Grieving for the Caterpillar

2007-10-12T13:21:00.000-07:00

Dr. John Sarno has written eloquently about the psychosomatic nature of most back pain, as well as quite a few other physical maladies. (If you haven't read his work yet, I want to strongly urge you to do so, particularly if you do suffer from any chronic conditions.)

As I was reading his explanation of irrational, yet universal unconscious rage in his book "The Mindbody Prescription" I began to ponder a question he raised but did not answer: "To varying degrees, I believe we all harbor repressed rage, that to do so is normal for our time and culture."

The obvious next question is, "Why would it be normal for our time and culture for everyone to be harboring unconscious rage?" As I searched within myself for the answer, I realized it is not just within our time, nor likely limited to our culture. I believe there is an existential issue at the heart of this rage, and that its source is the catch-22 the ego is trapped in, which I will speak more of in a minute.

Does that mean there isn't also rage at how one was mistreated in childhood, passed up for a deserved promotion at work, or forced to care for ailing parents? No. There is that too. And I believe Dr. Sarno has truly helped a lot of people release physical ailments that were created in the mind as a part of its effort to repress the socially unacceptable expression of the wild rage that can be initiated by any of these events.

However, as I peel the onion, I find all of these to be several layers away from the core. The heart of the matter to me is the common factor among all people who suffer. We suffer because we are identified with the ego, which by its very nature is suffering personified. And the only freedom from suffering we can ever know, is if we ourselves disappear.

Now talk about injustice. How could anything be more unjust than that? Let me say that again: The only way that lasting peace and happiness can ever exist within your life is if you aren't there to experience it. You have to die in order for joy to be born.

I want you to sit with that understanding for awhile. If it hasn't brought you to tears yet, you don't really quite understand or believe it.

Your ego identity is the source of your unconscious rage. That rage would be there whether X ever happened to you when you were Y years old or not. Who you think you are not only does not truly exist, the belief in its existence and your identification with this false self as being "yourself" is the one and only true source of suffering in your life.

You have lived so many lifetimes thinking that you were a caterpillar but dreaming of flight and feeling cursed to crawl along on the ground with an inner knowing you were meant for something more. You are, but that is not because you are a grounded caterpillar. It is because the caterpillar was just a delusion. You are a butterfly.

Grieve your lost self identity. Grieve the pain of consciously facing the fact that everything you ever thought you were was actually the very prison you always hoped to one day walk out of a as a free being. Grieve the sun that will never shine on your free face, the dance of freedom you will never dance, the knowledge of your great self that will never be found. Grieve, for the only freedom that is real is the freedom from you.

Goodbye, caterpillar. Your time has reached its end and joy will go on in your absence. This is the true, inescapable nature of things. I understand your pain, your resistance, your rage -- and yet, it is what it is. Goodbye.

Hello, butterfly.

Grateful

2007-09-23T09:57:00.000-07:00

I'm so glad that:

I live in a place and time of such prosperity.
I'm healthy.
I have found a spiritual path that works for me and a teacher I trust to help me along that path.
I have a loving and encouraging family.
My blood clots when I get a booboo.
I can stay in the sun as long as I want without ever burning.
I started volunteering when I was very young, so see service as a normal part of life.
I like who I am enough to do things that are good for me.
I can move people with my words.
I like the way I look.
My friends and family are genuinely kind people, and not just to certain people, but in life in general.
I know the secret to happiness.

(tip: One part is thinking about life in terms of what one appreciates, when "storying" life, and the other part is resting in equanimity, when the mind let's go of it's attempts to write a story about who we are and what our lives mean.)

Wisdom and Wonder

2007-06-24T09:44:00.001-07:00

Below is a message I sent to a friend in response to a message she sent me in which she commented that she wished she had great days like the previous one more frequently nowadays, and that she had often had such days when she was back in college. I share it with you in case my message to her might also resonate with you.
...................

Dear xxxxxxx,

I'm glad you are in the zone this weekend. It seems like a general good vibe has descended upon the area, along with perfect weather. I think part of it is an individual phenomena and part is a collective one. The moods of so many people are drastically lifted by a shift in external conditions, such as weather, that it raises the collective vibe.

Then people who are more tuned-in to the energy of others around them, and less to conditional thinking, pick up on that and they are lifted too. It seems like everything glows, problems transform into insight and past, present and future all merge into one whole of clarity and peace of mind.

Finally, even people who aren't normally able to appreciate even good external conditions or good vibes are at least able to avoid unpleasant interactions in their goings about because so many other people are in a good mood that less conflicts arise (due to others diffusing potential conflict situations before they fully form). And they are more likely to also encounter smiles and kind words, even if just from a cashier when they shop. So then everyone pretty much winds up in a miniature Buddha realm for awhile.

Then external conditions shift, as they always do, and the people who depend on that have their moods plummet. Or even if the conditions hold steady for awhile, people get used to things being that way and begin to take it for granted. So the good conditions no longer lift their moods even if they aren't actually deflated by bad conditions. And the people who are yanked around by the feelings of others have a more negative collective mood around them and must selectively connect with available energies or be sucked into that. And those people who are always in an unappreciative/disconnected stance towards life find that no one is diffusing situations for them any longer because everyone is just thinking of themselves and their own needs again. So it's all pretty much back to the normal, everyday human realm.

Such is samsara.

On a more individual level, I'm glad you used the opening and lifting of energy around you to help you recenter within the joy and peace within you. I hope you will be able to stay connected with that no matter what happens in the vibe around you. It is natural to passively connect with the notes in the collective symphony that most match our dominant inner ones. I suspect that in college, as is the case for most people when they are younger, your naturally dominant inner "note" was the purity and innocence of youth, so it was easier for you to tune-in with that more frequently even if a lot of the energy around you was actually heading in a different direction.

As we get older, we identify more and more with the less spacious self-concept of the dominant culture, even if unconsciously. Our inner attunement becomes more jaded, even if our conscious thoughts don't reveal that. So it is easier for us to tune-in and amplify the negativity around us and less likely for us to find that hair thin strand of sweetness in the bee traveling from flower to flower as we walk down the street on the way to work, or that golden light of love between ugly parents and their ugly child as we were pulling out of the parking lot at the supermarket. We see the danger of the bee and the physical unattractiveness of the people, but we don't see the beauty.

Passive attunement to the wonder of life is something we could all take for granted in our youth. As we age we must replace that with wisdom. Don't deny the danger or the ugliness of life, but try not to miss the beauty.

Blessings,
Indigo

Be the Blessing

2007-06-02T18:13:00.000-07:00

I've begun sharing occasional tea visits with my lama, now that I am living so near him. This week the subject was primarily about bodhicitta.

Bodhicitta is called the heart of enlightenment, and what it refers to is the compassionate wish to benefit all beings. This wish is not an idea, but a way of being in the world, and when fully developed it leads the person to their own Buddhahood because it is only then that they can be of maximum benefit to others. It is the most powerful urge towards enlightenment, empowering a person to fully commit themselves to practice of the teachings in daily life as well as creating discipline with respect to seated practice.

We talked about those people (Buddhist teachers especially) who talked a lot about compassion, but showed none towards the people they had daily dealings with. "They love humanity but don't give a wit about people" is how I put it. He said that I had a deeper insight than most people and that I must trust my own feelings about such people no matter what recognition or status such teachers had among others.

We also discussed my own fledgling bodhicitta. I told him of my efforts to send blessings to people I would see as I went about my day, people I saw on the street as I drove home from work who looked sad or co-workers, clerks and cashiers I interacted with during the day. He said that I must allow myself to be the blessing, not give it.

I realized when he said that that earlier that day I had seen an overweight teen standing by herself looking down at the ground for an inordinate amount of time while I waited at a stop light. I had tried to send her a blessing in my usual way, but I just couldn't get the visualization to form clearly in my mind. I kept trying but it wouldn't work and eventually the traffic light changed and I had to drive on, but then I had the thought that my intent for her happiness was the blessing. I looked in my rear view mirror and saw that she was no longer looking down but up and around her, as if she had newly found the courage to be present there on the street as she waited for her bus to come. And I thought, "maybe the wish to give blessing is the blessing and no need for mental formulations of any kind beyond that simple goodwill."

So when my lama said that later the same day it carried a lot of weight with me. I already have a habit of sending blessings to people throughout the day, but now when I catch myself doing it I stop and observe my own heart and how it is opening to them. And I try to be aware of how my open heart may be affecting theirs. Similarly, I try to be aware when my heart is closed, as I mechanically interact with people, and I take responsibility in those moments for the affect I may be having then also.

If there was one blessing I would most choose to give, it would be to let my heart be so open all the time that it was like a sun always glowing, constantly giving off the blessings of joy and warmth and alighting the hearts of all it touched.

My lama says that the prayer for bodhicitta is the highest aspiration of Buddhism. Well I don't suppose I need to have the highest aspiration to be satisfied. But it is the truest for me. I have tired of all the concepts about what is. I have played with all sorts of ideas about truth, and found them quite engaging, but now I would trade all of that for a steady glow of blessing.

To Be a God or Not to Be

2007-03-21T16:30:00.000-07:00

I have recently relocated back to the mainland after 5 years in Hawaii. Some might say it was a mad decision. Occasionally I think so myself. Yet I also know that it was time to get back into the flow of life.

Within Buddhism there are said to be various realms in which beings live. There is suffering within all realms until one attains the mind of a Buddha, transcending all deluded perceptions and beliefs that lock one into the other realms.

The suffering of the God realm is unique. Life within the God realm is perfect. There is tremendous pleasure and enjoyment all the time. Suffering is experienced as the fear of eventually exhausting the good karma that gained one entry into the God realm and having to fall to a lower realm of less comfort and enjoyment.

The suffering of the human realm is said to be busy-ness and poverty (the belief in lack, however much material or other wealth there may actually be).

Well I can only say that my life definitely resembles that accusation. I definitely feel that I have left a land of milk and honey to return to a place where everyone is constantly busy and trying to get ahead financially, no matter how well they are currently doing. Actually they are trying to get ahead in all respects, trying to more fully present an image to themselves and the world around them that says, "Perfect in every way. I have a perfect life."

So my challenge here is not to fall into that. You might say then, why leave the God realm at all? Well I can't say I had run out of good karma, as certainly my transition to this place has been just as blessed as my transition to Hawaii was 5 years ago. It is more the recognition that the aspiration of my spiritual path is not to live as a God.

That may sound obvious, but for many people if they actually look at what it is they hope their spiritual practice will get them, they will see that it is unending pleasure and freedom from pain. They aspire to live as Gods, whether in a place like Hawaii or among the mere mortals where they currently reside.

Yet the life of a Buddha is not necessarily comfortable, in the way of creature comforts. Maybe there is beauty, wealth, spaciousness, the best foods, personal transportation, etc. within one's life as an awakened one, but maybe not. It is irrelevant to the Buddha. It is not the aspiration of the path to be more comfortable than one was before awakening. It is the aspiration simply to live with an unwavering awareness of the Truth.

This Truth includes the recognition of one's perfect love for all that is, one's perfect oneness with all that is, one's complete satisfaction within each and every moment with whatever is. So there is peace, and joy, and an appreciation of beauty, but only by the standards of a Buddha -- not necessarily by our everyday human standards.

So I am shaking off my false interest in awakening and embracing a sincere commitment to awakening. Not that I think I'm going to be waking up tomorrow morning in a Buddha experience, but that I am clearly making choices that support that instead of ones that support the aim of worldly joy and comforts.

I write this because I think it is worthwhile for anyone on the spiritual path to do a personal assessment of exactly what it is they practice for. What is your aspiration? Don't assume. Really think about what it is you are meditating for, or living where you live for, or reading all those books and going to all those teachings hoping to get, be, or experience.

What would you change if you saw a need for an adjustment of how you live so that it is more fully in alignment with what you choose to do with this lifetime?

More Than Meets the Eye

2006-12-26T20:47:00.000-08:00

There is more here than what meets the eye. There are more eyes seeing, more hearts beating, more beings being, than the human mind can grasp.

There is more truth hidden within even the greatest misunderstanding than what we let ourselves see. There is complete and total perfection lying quietly behind every scene of our lives. There is complete and utter peace, the most tender caress of grace, belly laughs, joyful songs, and ecstatic dances of wild abandon, swirling around just beyond the limits of eye, ear, nose, tongue, or touch.

I write this as a reminder. Let your perception relax and expand a bit. Open to an awareness of not just what is there for your senses to encounter. Let yourself be breathed by this moment, through the lungs of the trees and the clouds and the Earth and the air. Let even the rush and whiz of motor traffic sing your true name back to you.

There is more here waiting for you than what was intended for your senses. Take a moment now to unwrap the ultimate gift.

Reveal yourself in this moment. Strip off all the gauzy layers of confusion and accept what is there, just as it is there, as you. Do not confine yourself behind a cloud of foolish separation, clinging to an idea of an immortal, separate self whose interests can be promoted or hampered in any way. Give up the idea that this reality is anything other than your most trusted lover. Indeed, all of life loves you with infinite embrace, for it knows itself through you, as you.

Give up your struggle for a better moment, a better dance, a better song. You are everything that is possible within this very moment. You are the songs that have yet to even be sung and the poems that have yet to be scribed. What is missing is not your creative action, but only your willingness to surrender to a broader point of view that holds all of who you are, eternally.

Don't Believe the Hype

2006-10-08T22:05:00.000-07:00

Consider this: According to theoretical physics, matter is mostly empty space that is given the appearance of from based on dimensional oscillations of tiny "strings." The movement of these strings determines which elementary particles will manifest (electron, muon, etc.) and these particles are the building blocks of atoms, cells, and all matter in our world. Once matter is "there" the human sensory system must perceive it, using sight, hearing, touch, smell, or taste. But this sensory data has no meaning to the person. It's just raw data, until the mind's cognitive training tells it what to think about the sensory input.

For example, we put a lemon in our mouths and taste buds fire, sending data to the brain. If we did not have a meaning system to say "tart" it would not be "tart" to us. It would just be sensation. Further, we may like or dislike the sensation, whether we also know it as tart or not. The habitual pattern of how our minds give meaning to sensory information that is perceived by the body is called conditioning in the West or karma in the East. Lastly, there is our consciousness that is able to be aware of this process taking place, if we bother to direct our attention towards an examination of our experience of the physical world.

I want to encourage you to do such a contemplation right now. First you must accept that the extensive volume of research over a hundred years by brilliant minds the world around are not making it up when they say that matter really can't be found if you look deeply enough. Matter is not solid at all to an electron microscope. It only looks and feels solid to a human because our sensory system isn't as sharp as an electron microscope's is. So accept that things aren't what they appear to be first of all and then we can get started in a relationship to the way things actually are.

Next, having accepted that matter is not something absolute and solid, begin to ask yourself how it is it has such concrete meaning to you. If you walk into a wall, it surely is experienced as solid. Why is that? Don't take it for granted. There are particles that are a lot smaller than you popping through walls all the time.

Then begin to consider the separation between sensation and interpretation of the meaning of that sensation. Touch your hand. Now for a moment pretend that it was someone else's hand you were touching. Try to ignore feeling it from the inside (being touched) and just feel the texture of your skin. Look at the thoughts you can have about the feeling of your skin. Then think of how many times you have touched your skin without knowing it in those ways. Has your skin changed, or have you simply given it a new meaning? That additional meaning makes your skin effectively something more within your experience of it.

Usually you are on auto-pilot in giving meaning to what you encounter in life. You've been taught what you're supposed to think about everything and do so without even needing to become conscious of most decisions. Try going through the next half hour flipping each of your thoughts on its head, and considering that the opposite might be true. For example, if you look out the window and it is cloudy the thought might arise, "this is gloomy weather." That is a reasonable thing to say given our social conditioning to prefer sunny skies over cloudy skies. But what if you turned that thought into "this is a soothing and relaxing day." Try to actually experience the presence of the cloud filled sky as something soothing and relaxing. Think of the freshness of the air if its also breezy or of the softness of the light. It truly could be perceived as a very desirable type of weather, an idea not expressed by the term "gloomy."

Realize how your automatic thinking leads you to cast the same judgments again and again, locking you into a limited amount of life satisfaction, in which the future can never really be any better than the past, since, let's face it, there are sometimes going to be sunny days and sometimes cloudy days. And yet, the preferability of sunny or cloudy skies is not a solid thing, not an absolute truth. It's just a judgment you've gotten used to making. The difference between "gloomy" and "soothing" is not contained within the weather, but rather within your mind. What does it take to give you a choice about whether the weather has to determine how much you enjoy the day?

Ultimately it all comes down to this: Given that our experience of life is determined by our made up opinions about a truly insubstantial world, why not take it all a little less seriously? DON'T BELIEVE YOUR THOUGHTS! Question what you think. Don't accept your judgments about this world at face value. Look deeper, searching for alternative ways of seeing. As I've written again and again, to be a Buddha does not mean to enter some far away world called "nirvana" or "heaven" nor does it mean to be perceived by others as a Buddha. To be a Buddha means to perceive this world as "nirvana" just as it is right now, however it is right now.

For emphasis, the doorway of the path to freedom is simply that you truly accept that your thoughts are not a reliable source of information about this world. Contemplate your experience at the most subtle level until this conviction emerges. More on this later.

Happiness

2006-09-26T12:19:00.000-07:00

Are you familiar with Abraham-Hicks writings, the movie The Secret , or any of the many other works on spiritually based manifestation methods? Even the first chapter of my book, Being Bliss, focuses on the laws of manifestation and how we can use spiritual wisdom to create the material enjoyments we believe will make us happy. Thereafter, my book focuses on other sources of happiness, but still, it does also cover materially based happiness and spiritual methods for manifesting the things we want.

Despite the reasonable desire to seek material well-being so long as we are sensorially experiencing life through a physical body, it is vitally important we understand that if we equate success in acquiring or achieving anything material with justification for happiness, we will never enjoy lasting peace.

Now many of us can hear this and instantly believe it at a theoretical level, but we'll still secretly hold the hopeful belief that acquiring certain things and situations will lead to happiness. That's why we're working at manifesting those things. We want to be happy.

Hard as it is to accept, the bottom line is, if we feel like what we have right now is not enough for us to be happy, no matter what we have or lack, we will be locked in a mentality of insufficiency and unhappiness. Additionally, if we justify our current happiness by looking at what we have materially, we are still taking refuge in something unreliable.

For example, it's fine to say "I'm grateful for a peaceful, beautiful home and health and good food," but what if there comes a time when you have none of those things? Then what do you say if you've already justified your happiness in those terms when you did have all that? So then you have to be clinging and trying to avoid loss even in good times, if you believe this is a world in which your happiness depends on having some condition or thing. Consequently, gratitude practice isn't enough to sustain peace.

The only thing one can take refuge in for lasting peace and contentment is the present moment as an experience, not an idea. Whatever you can find when you simply attend to the present moment, that's all you really have.

You may be hot, cold or just right in temperature. You may be in a quiet place or a noisy place. You may be alone or with people you either like or dislike. You may have debts or wealth. You may have a wonderful home you own on 2 acres by the sea or be staying in your family's living room. You may be healthy or in pain and fatigue. You can't control these things, though you can safely hold intentions about them. And time will either reveal those intentions come to pass by virtue of your efforts, or that they do not, regardless of your efforts. Either way, you only have this moment, whatever it contains, in which you can possibly find true reason for happiness.

The way I see it, that I have (or am) consciousness is the only reason I have to be happy. I am aware. That's the whole party. There is nothing else I get to keep. Either awareness is enough reason to be happy, or I'm shit out of luck no matter what happens.

So now, how does one shift to a belief system that says that consciousness all by itself really is enough for a person to be happy? It begins with giving up hope that any idea about happiness will ever cause happiness.

We can be amused, entertained, and enlivened by our ideas. Our ego can get a big boost of energy from the right ideas, ideas like: "I'm important, successful, and well-loved." "I'm financially secure," or even, "I'm rich." "I'm beautiful." All sounds great. Sign me up.

But even if I truly believe all these ideas, they still cannot cause actual happiness. How many successful, rich, beautiful young models do you know of who OD on drugs? I rest my case. Clearly these things do not cause happiness.

Happiness can exist in the presence of wealth or in its absence. Happiness can exist in the presence of beauty or in its absence. (Don't try to feed me any crap about "everyone is beautiful in their own way" either.) Happiness can exist in the presence or absence of even health, as challenging as that can be.

Happiness depends on our making the mental decision to drop all further decisions about whether we should or should not be happy.

When we decide that no matter what happens, we are going to joyfully embrace our experience of being alive and call that reason enough to be happy, we've made it. That's happiness, as it is found.

Keep your visions of grand homes, loving families and spectacular careers, or whatever else appeals to you. Definitely envision your health and vitality. Continually clarify those visions, gaining ever increasing understanding about what it is you want as you gain life experience that helps you make better and better choices. But do not base your happiness on the fulfillment of those visions. You may live this entire life with none of those visions ever manifesting in reality. That has to be good enough.

In order to make spiritual manifestation work something that truly blesses your life, you don't hold the hope that succeeding in making your vision real is going to give you a reason to finally be happy. You embrace happiness right now, but create the vision for the sheer joy of exercising your creative ability. It should be joyful when you are envisioning possible futures. That joy while you are envisioning is the payoff and creative force, and it happens while you are delighting in your present moment experience of being a conscious being who can imagine.

If you do this, over time many of your visions will manifest into physical form. That's just how energy works. But it doesn't work if you are grasping at it. It doesn't work if you are trying to make it work because you believe you need it to work in order to be happy. It is such a subtle difference, yet that slimmer of a divide keeps so many people from actually creating lives of joy for themselves.

You are a perfect, unlimited being who is fully abundant. You are all that exists. There is nothing apart from you and nothing you lack. Only when you allow yourself to feel the truth of this will you be satisfied.

Could the ocean ever be satisfied to live the life of a glass of water, no matter how big you made the glass? Nothing less than infinity will ever satisfy you, since you know in your heart that infinity is your true nature. So don't delay any longer. Isn't it time you rested in your true nature? Well then close your eyes and rest for a moment. This is It.

Update 9/14/09 - Comments have just been added to this blog, and this article can now accept reader comments.

Feed The Vampires, Please

2006-09-19T13:29:00.000-07:00

I just had a startling revelation after reading a 100 page book (with about 20 pages of that illustrations) called The Ever-Transcending Spirit, by Toru Sato. I'm not into all his stuff about the evolution of consciousness (isn't one Wilber on Earth enough spiritual materialism), but I found invaluable information about dealing with energy vampires.

Basically you just let the people drink. The only thing wrong with people taking your energy is when it depletes your energy. If you aren't depleted, there is nothing wrong with it. The way not to be depleted is not by withdrawing, isolating, putting up walls or trying to steal energy back, but by recognizing that all energy anywhere is your energy. You are connected to such an unlimited supply of energy you can't possibly be depleted so long as you remain open and receptive to that infinite supply.

I even got to try it out when I was half way through reading the book. I went to the store and ran into someone who went off on a rant (which was meant to be helpful at his conscious level, but was definitely an energy raid at an unconscious level) and I allowed myself to tap into the energy around me instead of just relying on that contained within my body and energy field. Quickly I realized that the most energy around me was in him, because he was all worked up about what he was trying to convince me of, and so I let myself join with his energy.

This isn't the same as stealing it back because actually we both wound up getting really energized by the experience, as well as having a really intimate interaction. . I wasn't connecting with the energy of his separate energybody, but tapping into the infinite source within him which he was not feeling. His inability to feel his own endless supply of energy was the reason he was trying to steal my energy, and I simply allowed myself to be an energy channel for him, connecting him to a deeper experience of himself.

He could feel I was deeply listening to him, and indeed really "feeling" what he was saying with complete openness. He was visibly moved by the experience and I was bouncing on air and giggling I was so full of energy as he spoke. Once I felt I'd had enough of the interaction, after about 10 minutes, I began thanking him for sharing his insights with me. Once he felt his offering was duly appreciated we changed the subject and parted after a few more minutes with the deepest sense of connection I have ever shared with this person, who I have known for 4 years without ever feeling we were on the same wavelength.

According to Sato, people take our energy in a wide variety of ways, among them: endless talk-talk-talking, usually about themselves and their life's dramas; asking for help then disagreeing with all advice offered; painting themselves as a victim to invoke pity; passive aggressively inciting strong emotional responses with no concern about the ideas being shared and the sole intent of triggering the other person; criticism; pressuring someone to change their actions or beliefs to come into alignment with one's own; long meetings in which the power holder keeps everyone's attention focused on pleasing them; and expecting others to meet one's needs with no intent of reciprocally meeting the needs of the other person.

In any of these situations we always have a choice to resist the power grab, allow the power grab, or shape the situation into a power sharing one. When we resist we argue, ignore the person, energetically close ourselves off from them (which, over time, is exhausting) or get away from them (perhaps even isolating ourselves). When we allow we may feel drained, irritable, and resentful afterward, but we avoid our fears of confrontation or offending others and are able to continue in relationship, at least until we are too depleted to do so any longer. (When you are really depleted even vampires will tend to avoid you anyway, unconsciously fearing you will try to steal energy from them!)

When we shape the situation into something new using our own responses, not requiring anything different out of the other person, is when a win-win situation that is sustainable for any amount of time occurs. When we localize our sense of self to our limited body and energy field we have a limited supply, so must protect that supply or face depletion. But if we allow our self-awareness to be broad enough to take in the whole of our environment we find ourselves energy billionaires who can afford any amount of generosity required by the situation. After all, we aren't giving energy away, we're just allowing it to flow freely within us, as is the nature of energy.

I swear this is not just theory. I actually did this and if you give it a try I think you can do it too. It's best to start with someone who doesn't actually hate you. If the energy stealing is a direct act of violence that's a different situation. But most energy theft is not with ill-intent behind it. People don't even realize consciously that they are doing it. They see themselves as energy starved and so naturally reach out to sustain themselves using anyone around, like a person who can't swim trying to save himself from drowning by grabbing onto whoever is within arm's reach. If you let them pull you down with them they will, until they can grab onto the next person. But if you lift them up and let the ocean float you both, you both win. Whenever you tap into the energy all around you, including within them as they engage intensively in whatever behavior they are using to suck at your energy, you are effectively surrendering to the greater power of the mighty ocean which will indeed carry you both to both safety and freedom.

Overcoming one of existentialism's 4 primary "inescapable sufferings" of life, it turns out you don't actually have to choose between security and freedom, not if you can learn to be an infinite energy being instead of a separate, limited physical being. Build no walls around you. Dance freely in the light, breathing deep, and giving yourself fully to life with complete abandon. You will be sustained by all that is.

(As an aside, let me state that not all of these ideas are in Sato's book, but that his book contributed a crucial understanding that helped me apply other ideas I've been working with. For example, Sato doesn't make mention of how one is to connect with more energy by being open when someone is aggressively trying to take one's energy. He just assumes you will naturally do the additional steps that are needed to make this work, probably because he has already developed unconscious mastery of doing those things himself.

He also doesn't make mention of the fact that all energy is just energy, so we don't have to be afraid of allowing ourselves to connect with a person's energy when they are agitated. If they are trying to attack you, that's a little different, as you'd have to be nearly a buddha not to be affected negatively in such a situation, but again, most energy raids are not meant as attacks. Still the person might be very agitated within themselves and only by connecting with the energy of their true being and not writing a mental story that labels their energy expression as dangerous is it possible to make Sato's approach work.

It's as if the person is cut off from their own connection to the endless source of energy and you offer your energy body as a "reconnector." You channel their own energy back to them, so they fill up without taking anything from you.)

Update 9/14/09 - Comments have just been added to this blog, and this article can now accept reader comments.

The Free Flow of Energy

2006-09-13T17:20:00.000-07:00

Here is an excerpt from a reply I sent to someone's message that I think is a good overview of what I have found in recent experiments with EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique):

"The EFT work wound up affecting me similarly, only regarding emotion. I see now that the EFT isn't really so effective because it moves energy along the meridians. It's more that the distraction of the tapping and the idea that energy is being safely moved to foster emotional health allows the person to be willing to "sit with" their emotions for the full ride. It is allowing the emotions to be and to naturally express themselves that is healing and the tapping is just a distraction, which I no longer require. I simply recognize that all emotion is merely energy and that energy is just energy. There isn't good energy and bad energy.

I feed on energy, as an energy being, so I can feed on anger, sadness, shame, etc. just as well as I can feed on joy -- and now I do. I suck up the energy of my emotions now and have discovered they are all bliss in their true nature once I get past my thoughts about them. Even disgust turns into bliss if you sit with it with gratitude and allow yourself to savor the disgusting quality of it as just pure energy."

I have been doing this "devouring" of not only my emotions, but also my thoughts lately. On separate occasions, I have even converted the energy of a cold virus and a headache back into energy and "devoured" that.

Here I use the metaphor of eating the energy, where at other times you will hear me phrase it in terms of liberating the energy. It just depends on one's point of view. When I am identifying myself as a separate energy being I speak of devouring, taking the energy back into my localized physical self. When I am identifying myself as the infinite unity of all things, my true nature, I speak of liberating the energy so that it once more becomes a free flowing part of that greater ocean. Either way, after being converted back into raw energy it has no separate form and therefore effectively no longer exists as the problematic form it once was.

I am working on ways of teaching this to others to do within themselves and of learning myself to do it within the bodies of other people. I am also using it as a part of my spiritual practice (enlightenment being about the dissolution of the separate self identity and the freedom from a dualistic self-object that comes with that). I will write more about that subsequently.

If you'd like to do some of the work with me, check out my healing work website at www.clearlightnature.com and follow the links to the True Self Attunement. I have begun teaching an adapted form of this method to clients as part of that session, though it isn't the primary focus of the session.

Here is a poem I wrote yesterday that I think does a good job in conveying what I am doing:

Breathing in,
I devour it.
Savoring each breath,
Form returns to emptiness,
Emptiness reveals itself as ecstasy.

I saught you,
Forgetting that I am you.
We are emptiness embracing,
Laughing,
Like water running over rocks,
Children spinning in the sun.

Each thought -
I consume its raw energy.
It is no longer an object
For my love or hate.
There is only one decision left.
Yummm!

Each feeling -
I digest it fully.
No longer running from sorrow,
Disgust, shame, or aggression.
I savor their raw energy
And proclaim the final judgment.
Yummm!

Then suddenly all my feasting ends.
There is nothing left to consume.
I reach for something, but then abondon the pursuit,
Realizing at last
That I have been devouring
Myself.
Aha!

-- Indigo Ocean

Amazing Mindware

2006-06-28T19:20:00.000-07:00

Have you ever tried your hand at meditation, only to give up in frustration? How about wanting to boost your immune system, calm your emotions, and generally help your body fight stress? What if you could gain all those benefits just by playing a computer game?

Well now you can. Take The Journey to Wild Divine and watch your stress levels decrease as your skill in playing the game increases. The game includes a biofeedback device so that it can accurately measure when you are breathing calmly and other measures of successful self-regulation. As you improve at mastering your mind-body connection you also proceed up through levels in the game -- opening magic doors, discovering lost treasures, and meeting all kinds of fascinating guides and mentors along the way.

I can't think of a more fun way to learn how to meditate. I think every household should have one. Great for the teens, as meditation has been shown to help them get their grades up, and great for adults who are dealing with all kinds of stresses and are in danger of physical ailments if that stress isn't being effectively reduced. You can take a look and demo it at the following link:

Demo the Journey to Wild Divine

The Perfection of Your Present Situation

2006-06-10T01:27:00.000-07:00

The following is an adaptation of a post I recently made on a message board in response to a woman's complaint about the challenges motherhood is presenting to her spiritual practice. I repost it here because I think it applies equally to whatever excuse we are clinging to for why we are not doing the very actions that are most likely to help us awaken. The ego doesn't want to awaken; it just wants to pretend it wants to while cloaking itself in excuses for why the conditions of one's life make freedom from its tyranny impossible.

Ego says, "Sure I want you to wake up. I like the idea of enlightenment. As soon as I can make every speck of external reality perfect you won't need me anymore and you can become enlightened then. Let's work very hard at this enlightenment business. I'm sure I can come up with a very effective strategy for you."

I suggest you take the point of view that your current situation is exactly what you most need to support your practice. If you have to be active every waking moment with home and family care tasks, meditate mindfully as you engage in the activity needed to support your family. View the path within your situation to be the blessing, not the compromise or sacrifice.

Think of how many more hours of meditation you can get in like this than someone who merely sits for meditation practice 40-60 minutes a day (the norm). You will literally be getting hours of meditation practice each day, if you are willing to embrace the situation as an opportunity to meditate rather than clinging to the idea that it is an obstacle to your meditation. Think of how much inner discipline it would take to get you to actually sit for meditation and lose yourself completely in the experience for 14 hours a day. Yet as a mother with young children you have plenty of drive to engage in selfless activity for so many hours. All you have to do is use the situation as a meditation practice instead of fighting it.

In vajrayana, enlightenment is about developing the view of the Buddha, recognizing that nirvana was always there within all the situations of samsara (all of them), not about changing anything outside onself so that it becomes nirvana. So in daily practice one doesn't strive to rearrange the chairs on samsara's Titantic. Instead we just want off that damn boat altogether, and we achieve this by realizing that the boat never truly existed, so it can't truly sink.

Liberation comes just that quickly, when there is insight, conviction, and stability in the view. No external situation can stop you from realizing that external situations are inherently empty. Only your conceptual beliefs (your opinions) about those situations can stop you if you are unwilling to see that the beliefs themselves are equally insubstantial.

Update

2006-05-18T12:14:00.001-07:00

I am taking a break from a few activities these days while I refocus my energy on fewer projects. The radio show is going on hiatus for at least a couple of months. I just made an arrangement with Sounds True to bring a number of their artists/authors on the show, and will be reviewing materials from them in the coming weeks to form a line up. Hay House has made the same offer, though I haven't been in the mood to read so I haven't taken them up on it yet. So I will be working on the show a little, though not broadcasting for awhile. When I do return I will probably be on a different station and at a different day and time.

I am focusing most of my energy on Phone Buddies and hosting the weekly meditation group for Tulku Thubten Rinpoche (now named Anam Thubten Rinpoche). I have withdrawn from organizing weekend retreats for other lamas, including the upcoming visit of Tenzin Wangyal Rinpoche, which I had previously agreed to help a newbie put together, and have also suspended by ClearLight Nature spiritual healing services, other than providing donated sessions at the local AIDS services organization when they have someone requesting a session.

I am also prioritizing my meditation practice, now sitting for 2-3 times each day and spending another 30-60 minutes in contemplation of teachings. Sometimes less is more in that by eliminating certain activities it gives me more time and energy for the ones that are most important to me.

I have another dozen websites I'm not even mentioning here that I am also letting do their own thing without any further input from me. Same goes for promoting the book. They succeed, they don't succeed, whatever. At last I have woken up feeling rested.

Phone Buddies Support Community

2006-04-16T18:21:00.000-07:00

Introducing, the one, the only... Okay enough hype, but I really am incredibly excited about this new offering from my company. I just became the community manager of the Phone Buddies Emotional Support Community.

It's an internet based peer counseling community in which women trade emotional support sessions with each other. That way each gets to be counseled but neither has to pay $150 per hour for it. Instead their sessions are FREE!

Of course, it isn't psychotherapy, but isn't everyday chatting either. The members learn 6 types of peer counseling so it has a lot more structure and "meat" than just a chat community. I'm a participating member too and I offer Emotional Clearing and Compassionate Listening.

There are a lot more little details (like no last names used, etc.) but this is the gist of it. If you are someone who likes helping others grow and thrive and you'd like to get more support in your life too, it might be just the thing for you. Check out the site at http://www.phone-buddies.com

And tell other women about it. The more Phone Buddies there are the more we each get to choose among when we want a session.

The Enneagram, James Twyman & Byron Katie

2006-03-24T12:39:00.000-08:00

The realization is dawning on me that hosting the "Together in Spirit" radio show is as much about the all pervasive guru teaching me as it is about presenting the wisdom of my amazing guests to the listening audience. Each week I seem to come away with something that changes the way I approach my practice or that gives me new insight into what I am already doing.

The recent sequence of shows has been especially instructive. One week I spoke with James Twyman and came away with renewed clarity that it is only the switch from ego-perception to divine-perception that can ever free us from our habitual creation of a world that seems filled with suffering. Trying to train the ego to create an experience of heaven on earth is like trying to train a tree to fly.

The next week I had two Enneagram experts come on and they affirmed that the ego creates what they call stories, and that I also think of as filters, to interpret the world it sees and that it is these filters that distort our understanding of reality and cause us to live some distance from our true selves. (Different people have different habitual filters, which the enneagram describes classified into 9 personality types.) Once again, it is the ego causing us to experience samsara instead of nirvana, not any quality in our external situation, and its key role is distorting perception so that we perceive and interpret according to its beliefs instead of having a direct experience of reality and getting to learn from that.

Now, as I prepare for the appearance of Byron Katie on the show this coming Tuesday, this understanding gathers still more power over my perception. Each time I have a guest coming on I spend a considerable amount of time familiarizing myself with their work. I have been reading both of Katie's books and have listened to recordings of her workshops, as well as trying the process called "The Work" on myself. I not only had some valuable and freeing realizations as a result of this, I also have experienced a shift in my perception.

I could go back through experiences with guests from previous weeks also. I have learned from each of them. I highlight these last three simply because it is now that I feel the full momentum of this process shifting my actual state of daily perception. I have long been exposed to the ideas I relate above, but for the last couple of days I have truly felt an identity of "true self" as myself, while witnessing the filter of ego as it functions without any aggression towards it, but also without being taken in by its stories.

I also have lived within this experiential reality before, but this is the first time it feels integrated within the development of a deeper state of understanding. All other times it seemed more like a gift of grace -- one that suddenly descended upon me without any rhyme or reason and that left, whether after a day, a week or a month, with just as much mystery.

Doing this show, which I first embarked upon as a way of gifting others, has become a huge blessing in my life. Of course, that should be expected. What we give to others is what we gift to ourselves. Just nice to have it confirmed once again -- and nice to share it as a reminder to you as well.

I just hope the show's sponsor is equally pleased with how things are going. This season ends on May 9 with my interview of Sakyong Mipham Rinpoche, head of the Shambhala buddhist lineage and publisher of the Shambhala Sun magazine. I'm not sure where things will be headed by then.

Giving the Self Away

2006-03-09T21:16:00.000-08:00

My interview with Tulku Thubten Rinpoche a few days ago (now named Anam Thubten Rinpoche) has settled into my consciousness as a newfound resolve to spend some time each day intentionally moving through the world with a mind focused primarily towards fulfilling the needs of others.

I tend to naturally be a pretty generous person, but I realized that that is only relative. Relative to the outrageous levels of selfishness that characterize our society, I'm pretty generous and thoughtful. However, relative to Rinpoche, I've got a lot of room for improvement.

As Rinpoche said on the show, the true measure of genuine spiritual accomplishment is guaged by loving-kindness. And I am not just playing at a game called "spiritual practice." My aim is to truly achieve awakening within this lifetime so that I may offer the greatest help to beings that is possible with this lifetime.

What I love about Anam Thubten Rinpoche, and other great teachers who embody both high intelligence/ scholarly knowledge and loving-kindness is that they provide an example of what is possible. It is so easy to rest on one's laurels after just a little spiritual accomplishment if we do not have those models for what is possible.

Another wonderful benefit of spending a few hours a day intentionally prowling the world with an eye out for what might benefit others and a willingness to fulfill those needs as best one can, is that it provides a powerful tool for self-transcendence. While you are thinking of them, you aren't mulling over yourself at that moment. What a needed break, huh?

One of the things I love so much about interviewing people of significant spiritual accomplishment is that it allows me to not only be a student of these great "world-lovers" but that is also allows me to model spiritual study, contemplation and application for others. I realize one thing I have always been exceptionally good at is learning, really taking in and applying knowledge, and that not everyone knows how to do that. So if I can help someone develop that skill, wow, what a great joy that would be.

I hope you've been listening to the shows, and that you have been receiving some benefit. Next week, James Twyman. Looking forward to it.

Upcoming Shows

2006-02-26T14:58:00.000-08:00

Things are going great with the radio show. Here is a list of upcoming guests:

2/28 - Guy Finley
3/7 - Tulku Thubten Rinpoche
3/14 - James Twyman
3/21 - Jean Houston (tentative date)
3/28 - Byron Katie
4/25 - A.H. Almaas
5/9 - Sakyong Mipham Rinpoche

You can listen to the show Tuesdays at 2:00 pm Pacific Standard Time at www.Voice.VoiceAmerica.com or by launching the show's metaphor player at "Together in Spirit" where the show's downloadable archives are also kept beginning a couple days after any show (in case you miss the live show).

First Show Broadcast

2006-02-14T19:01:00.000-08:00

I am happy to have broadcast the first episode of my weekly talk show "Together in Spirit." Thanks to everyone who sent me such sweet feedback. I'm glad you enjoyed the show. I greatly enjoyed it myself. Marc David is a great guest.

I heard from some people that I was talking too softly during the first segment. The engineer let me know at the first break, so I spoke up after that. It's so quiet where I am that it isn't obvious to me that I'm speaking quietly until the guest comes on and I can hear the volume of their voice.

Soon the show will be available in the station's archives and I will edit this post to include a link to the mp3 download page. You can also download an auto-player for the show (no navigation required to listen to the show live when it's on or find its archives after the broadcast) by going to the following link:

Download "Together in Spirit" modaview player

It is a fairly small file and takes just 2 minutes to download and setup on your desktop as an icon that takes you right to the show (so long as you have an internet connection open).

Thanks again for everyone's support and kind words of appreciation for my work. I hope the show is going to really be a useful healing and growth tool for many people. Scheduled upcoming guests include Byron Katie, Jean Houston, A.H. Almaas and other notable leaders in the self-actualization field. I hope you can tune in each Tuesday at 2:00 pm PST.

On another note, I'm also glad I made it through the show without sneezing or losing track of the conversation. I came down with what feels like a head cold last night and got only 4 non-consecutive hours of sleep.

I think I'm detoxing. I started using a Beck Pulser blood purifier yesterday and one of the things they say is that as it kills off bacteria, viruses, mold, etc. it can cause a detox effect similar to having a cold, as the body tries to deal with all the dead material it has to process out all the sudden. My acquisition of the pulser completes two-thirds of my new wellness plan. I take the Natural Cellular Defense to get rid of man-made toxins. Use the pulser to kill the natural pathogens. And will soon be getting a bio-photonic machine to raise the voltage of my cells and enhance the strength of my overall immune system. Despite my head cold and lack of sleep last night, I actually am feeling amazingly good these days. Taking care of my health has suddenly become quite a lot of fun.

Together in Spirit Launches

2006-01-30T21:44:00.000-08:00

Check it out!

Natural Cellular Defense - Detox

2006-01-13T21:34:00.000-08:00

I've newly become interested in new health technologies coming on the market. A year ago I heard about the V.I.B.E. Machine for the first time and today I finally had a session. Whoa! Powerful. There is no doubt something is happening. I felt as if waves of energy were washing through me and then I started laughing for no reason. It just felt really good, but not as pleasure, just as unconditional joy.

In pursuit of more information about the VIBE, I also learned of a product that you take orally to create a similar effect by removing toxins from the body. It is called Natural Cellular Defense and is patented as a zeolite that traps heavy metals within its chemical structure then carries them out of the body. I am on my final day of the 10 day intensive detox routine and will now be taking about a third of the dosage of these past 10 days.

The Natural Cellular Defense also had me sometimes giggling just from feeling good, though in this case it was more of a physically based feeling of joy. There was a sense of lightness that, again, just felt good, so it made me giggle.

Not that the path to enlightenment is marked out in giggles. It's just that it shows that something is definitely shifting and releasing to allow natural joy to emerge.

I will continue exploring this new avenue and sharing what I find with you. While my experiences as a healthy person trying out the supplement are probably just interesting, here are dozens of Testimonials from people with some serious illnesses who give detailed reports of their amazing experiences with the supplement.

The Prize or the Gift

2005-12-23T13:21:00.000-08:00

Here's wishing you a lifetime of unconditional joy. Unwrap your gift right now.

Xmas Gift

Update 9/14/09 - Comments have just been added to this blog, and this recording can now accept listener comments.

Recognizing the Creator

2005-12-07T16:37:00.000-08:00

Enjoy this 2 minute reminder of your true level of influence.

Recognizing the Creator

Thanksgiving

2005-11-24T14:22:00.000-08:00

This is my first audioblog entry. Give a listen, and Happy Thanksgiving to you.

Thanksgiving Audio Blog

Spiritual Optimism

2005-11-12T13:48:00.000-08:00

"If circumstances are bad
and you have to bear them,
do not make them part of yourself.
play your part in life,
but never forget that it is only a role."

-Paramahansa Yogananda

I found this over at the IntentBlog within a comment thread. It referred to an entirely different topic, but it rings so true with me that I just had to share it with you. And yes, I am Buddhist, but I honor wisdom irrespective of its source and Hinduism has brought much wisdom to the world.

This quote is particularly poignant to me because it answers the complaint many pessimists have about optimism. They say, "isn't optimism just ignorance, and ignorance is bliss?" They do not understand there are different reasons people are optimists. Some people's optimism is due to spiritual understanding while others cling to a rigid unwillingness to acknowledge anything that is not desirable, whether as future likelihood or current experience. The latter type of optimism can justifiably be called denial, but the first is a mark of wisdom.

The spiritual optimist recognizes that sometimes life is hard. Things don't always go the way you want, and sometimes the situation gets worse before it gets better. And even getting better may require some skillful decision-making on your part.

To follow the Christian advice "be in the world, but not of it," requires that we remember that no matter whether the contents of worldly experience are to our liking or not, we are dedicated above all else to a higher truth. We act responsibly within this world and try to bring happiness to ourselves and others, but we never take any of it too seriously. It is never worth losing hope over, for our hope should never lie within its contents in the first place.

Play your part in life with vigor, enthusiasm, and positive intention, but never forget that you are like a character in a very realistic dream. We care whether we have happy dreams or nightmares. To some degree it matters, but waking up is the only truly happy ending.

As I go through each day I engage in the Buddhist practice of Dzogchen, reminding myself that what I am experiencing is the play of Mind. I catch myself in the various roles I am playing out as frequently as I can, and watch as I then decide either to play it out or just drop it right on the spot. Either way, I repeatedly become aware that I am not the roles I habitually create for myself. This awareness grants me a freedom that no amount of manipulation of the contents of the dream could ever bring. Whether good circumstances or bad ones, whether favorable roles or painful ones, they are all equally lacking in substance beyond the confines of this dream-like world. And nirvana is here right within samsara right now, waiting for us to awaken and recognize it.

Tags: Musings, Spirituality, Optimism, Inspiration, Personal Growth

A New Dutch Meme

2005-11-10T14:49:00.000-08:00

Thanks to reader Dutch who is offering us a new meme. Dutch now knows he needs “a loving forever home.” But he was also able to use Google to discover that he loves “a little lady named Bijou (and she loves taking off her clothes)” and “going to visit his Granny and Grampy.”

This prompted me to also go in search of what I love using the world’s number one search engine. I subsequently discovered that I love:

“Indigo loves comfort” – I sure do
“Indigo loves using attributes” - hmm
“Indigo loves being creative and making beautiful things. Enjoys finding
beauty in everything and everyone. Always good-natured and fun to be around.” – aw shucks, thx
“Indigo LOVES bananas, I think that's her favorite food, if sees someone
with a banana she will almost break her neck to get to it.” – now that’s an exaggeration
“Indigo loves Mark’s music because, “[Mark] Knopfler’s guitar playing is graceful, elegant and gritty all at once.” – how’d they figure it out?

Catch a meme. Pass it on.

Tags: Memes, Amusement

Blog Find

2005-11-09T17:58:00.000-08:00

I was so happy to find this link to the Sakya Monastery blog. The blog's archives reveal that it started in July of this year. For two years I aspired to get non-profits I work with to maintain blogs. Every time I find one that is doing that it's fortifying. I am convinced that if you want public support the best thing to do is to keep people informed about what you are doing. Let contributors know what their dollars are going to fund on a regular basis. This blog even has a comments feature meaning you can converse with the members of the monastery. Looking forward to finding more blogs like this one in the coming years.

tags: Blogging, Buddhism,

Fun Experiment

2005-11-09T16:03:00.000-08:00

I came across this idea on The Presurfer today. Type your name into Google with the word "needs" after it, for example, Indigo needs, then see what you come up with. I discovered that according to the world's number one search engine, I need:

"help" - Hey, no fair
"testers" - got enough of those in life, thanks anyway
"to support side by side execution" - I absolutely, unequivocably do not support execution in any configuration
"coffee" - can't take the caffeine
"Lawrence Park" - who'd of thought Google could find my soul mate for me? But who's Lawrence Park?
"a part-time accounts administrator to help out with the books" - that's the truth
"to work on its [sic] sheet handling" - I did get my first B in Home Ec because I couldn't make perfect hospital corners. Maybe there's something to this after all.
"severe pruning in winter to stay compact" – I've not gained a pound in years.

Well I guess you couldn't find a better authority on searching than Google, so maybe I should give it all some reflection.

Blog Comments

2005-11-06T11:17:00.000-08:00

As part of the process of my separating the different aspects of my blogging into two different blogs, I have removed the comments feature from this one. This blog will now more than ever be a place for me to simply voice what is on my mind, whatever that may be, without a conversation about it. Here I play alone and whenever I feel like company I head over to the village at The Goodness Blog.

If you really want to respond to an article you see here, just send me an email to indigo(at)indigo(dash)ocean(dot)com. I reserve the right to post excerpts from any comments I receive, so if you definitely want your correspondence to be confidential, please say so in the email.

All the old comments that were here are still saved, they just aren't showing. And new posts won't collect any comments. Another way to chat with me is at the Goodness Blog, which I do participate in quite actively. I also anticipate more frequent posting on this blog. After two years of blogging, under 3 different posting systems and with 5 different blog template designs, somehow this additional change seems what I need to keep it fresh for me. Hope you like what you see.

Update 9/14/09 - Comments have just been added back to this blog; some articles can now accept reader comments.

Moving On

2005-11-05T17:07:00.000-08:00

Today I took a nap that blessed me with amazingly vivid dreams. In the dream I was watching television, something I haven't done in a few years, and really enjoying it. I was flipping channels and seemed to be spending an entire day like that. When I woke up I started evaluating my reactions within the dream, wondering if perhaps I should go back to some of the old pass-times (things to waste time, basically) that I used to have. Maybe I was being too tight with myself.

With that thought came a lot of other old memories too. I remembered drinking red wine with a grad student I met at my campus job when I was an undergrad, and the next day the staff being angry at me for going out with him and letting him get drunk - as if I had somehow corrupted an otherwise dedicated researcher.

I remembered also using 5 pound weights to try to strengthen my arm muscles and a boyfriend commenting on what a wasted effort it was since I couldn't beat anyone with the strength built off of 5 pound weights. I wasn't building arm strength for potential battles, of course, but rather to be able to open the heavy doors on my office building more easily, carry groceries, open windows, that sort of thing. But after his comment I stopped using the weights. It was as if that idea of using strength against others as the purpose of strength, well it had some resonance within me. It touched my programming.

One by one the memories of a life of conflict, negative expectation, cynicsm, and wasted time came rolling in. I remembered the sluggishness I felt for days after drinking one glass of wine, a fog that could only be temporarily pierced by another glass, with so many wasted days in between. The feeling of hopelessness and disappointment as I was unable to accomplish anything. The weight of beef in my body. And that is when I remembered why I let go of all of that.

The past holds us as long as we hold it. Habit always has a delicious taste to it at first, but it comes at a high price when we are being seduced back towards bad habits. I hear some poisons are quite sweet to the tongue. It's what they do when they get to your belly that you have to watch out for.

Each day we wake up a new person, with infinite possibility. No matter who we were the day before, we are free to define our lives anew. Sufi poet Kalidasa writes:

Hark the new day
for it is life,
the very life of life.

In its brief course lie all the verities
and realities
of your existence.

The bliss of growth
the splendor of beauty
the glory of action.

For yesterday was but a dream
and tomorrow is only a vision,
yet today well lived will make every yesterday
a dream of happiness
and every tomorrow
a vision of hope.

Look well therefore to this day.
Such is the salutation to the dawn.

Today I took down the link to the Orphans Assistance site I worked on over the last couple years. I had such visions of what I would do for that organization, how I would update their technology and help them raise funds and awareness for the important work they do. I had wanted to start an organization helping children orphaned by AIDS myself, one that focused on building skills and self-sufficiency within home environments, not orphanages. I was so excited to find an organization already doing that very model. But after 2 years of struggle to get them to send letters from the children that can be posted on the website, getting anyone in their organization to make even one post or comment on their blog, getting any pictures of the children beyond a newsletter that was produced several years ago, I have finally let it go. I can't make someone else's organization mold itself to my vision.

This day is mine to do with as I wish, but only for me. I can't shape the world; I can only shape my world. So part of seizing the day is letting go also. We move forward with vigor and clarity, but with open hands. It is a dance, not a march. There is openess, inquisitiveness, discovery and delight.

I like taking naps. It gives me a chance to wake up twice each day.

Update 9/14/09 - Comments have just been added to this blog, and this article can now accept reader comments.

Take a Look

2005-11-01T00:25:00.000-08:00

I decided that I am a little to attached to having a personal blog to turn this one into a collaborative endeavor. So I made this instead - The Goodness Blog. Take a look.

Inviting New Voices

2005-10-29T14:19:00.000-07:00

I have decided that the mission of this blog will best be served by turning it into a collaborative weblog. A few years ago I ran the Healing Words Press webzine that had an attached blog called Inspiranote. Inspiranote was a collaborative weblog that grew to 7 editors in the end. Each editor had their own section and would post at least once per month. The sections were Good Books, Inspiring Movies, Personal Growth, Good News, etc.

I am wanting to do something a little less structured now, but with the same basic idea. There is such a shortage of blogs that have anything uplifting to say, that it was even hard to find other bloggers to invite to participate! The blogosphere has the same negative mindset of our news media, yet it tries to present itself as an alternative. Who needs another way of seeing from a threat-mentality?

There is much that is not being reported and what is omitted does have a particular characteristic, but it's not about conservative media leaving out liberal viewpoints or liberal media demonizing conservative viewpoints. It's about the voices that emphasize threat drowning out those that emphasize possibility and joy.

The alternative I am looking for is one that provides insight and inspiration, reminding people that life can be one of great fulfillment, depending on what you do within it. We are not powerless. What we do makes a difference, both for ourselves and for others. So leave a comment with your contact information if you would like to be a part of the new "Being Bliss" that will start in November. Each contributor submits at least one entry per month, any topic, that is aimed to inform and inspire. Ella of PassionCity has already signed on and I hope to see the list grow to about 4-6 regular bloggers.

Daily Spiritual Practice

2005-10-22T15:28:00.000-07:00

Many people think of spiritual practice in terms of seated practice. You sit on a cushion and meditate or do a sadhana. But actually those are preparatory steps and the practice happens after you get up and go out into the world.

The real practice comes in our dealings with others. It's easier to develop the proper frame of mind during seated practice since there are controlled circumstances. It is quiet. We are alone with ourselves. We have a clear intention to do nothing but develop ourselves in terms of patience, joy, clarity, peace, etc. It is a good learning lab.

Then we go out into the world that is filled with distractions, focused on materialistic gain and self-aggrandizement, and characterized by competition (and even cruelty) in much of human relations. The practice is to maintain the view and intention of our spiritual paths in the midst of that. We practice. That means we try and fail then try again, repeatedly.

I have met so many people who present themselves as advanced practitioners who I see as absolute beginners. They make no real effort at integrity in the way they live their lives, and seem to have even missed the teachings on the value of simple kindness and human goodness. You know, the kindegarden kind of stuff. I don't care how many retreats a person's been to; if they lie, cheat, steal, and abuse people as their daily fare, they need to pick up a spiritual practice.

And they need to start with the beginner's material, not the advanced stuff. When people begin beyond their level, they never truly begin. A person can spend 20 years acting out "spirituality" with no actual progress. They may have a shrine room, membership on the boards of a dozen religious organizations, and privileged access to high officials in their faith, but if they aren't living their daily lives with integrity and kindness (even when they know they won't get caught), they have not yet begun the path.

If you recognize yourself in this description, my heartfelt advice to you is "No regrets. Just start." And start from where you are with great joy and humility. Begin at the beginning and you will find yourself swiftly moving up the mountain path, with a spring in your step, at last.

[This post was revised on Oct. 26, 2005]

Bringing the Work Out

2005-10-15T13:59:00.000-07:00

As I engage the process of bringing my book out to the public, while simultaneously maintaining the view of Dzogchen, I discover that this process is going to be a major challenge and lesson for my practice. There is an ongoing dance on a very fine line between having intent for a certain degree of success and witnessing with openess and a willingness to fully rejoice in whatever comes. There is a great deal of trust involved.

Since the bookreading on Wednesday evening I have fluctuated between feelings of great success and great disappointment. You would think it would be one or the other, but really I don't seem to know what to make of it.

Sometimes I see, "wow, people were so deeply moved, and so many bought books, and there were some people there who I know will benefit tremendously from the book who I am so grateful to have reached - this was a huge success." Then I look from a different angle and I think, "I spent more on advertising the event than I made on author commissions and I did not earn as much for the bookstore as I had hoped I would, given all their support for my work. And even selling a dozen books at a time is still an awfully slow process. I had what it took to write the book, but do I have what it takes to successfully get it to the people it was written for?"

Dzogchen says, watch what happens and recognize it as the natural flow of both samsara and nirvana. There is always both beauty and horror, ecstasy and suffering, within this existence. The thing is not to get lost in believing any of it is absolutely real. It is all relative reality, hence the duality latent within it. But absolute reality is beyond dualism. The only lasting peace that can be found will be found within that.

As a Dzogchen practitioner, on a daily basis I am doing the practice of learning this by observing my own inner experience as I engage life. This high-stakes endeavor gives me yet another opportunity to see these dynamics at play - and once again I do see that it is so. I think of the people I had hoped would come to the reading, who couldn't make it; then I think of the young man who bought a book who was so traumatized because days before someone had randomly beat him up as he was walking down the street near his home, and yet he ventured out that night to attend the reading - and my heart fills with such compassion, as waves of love and comfort go flowing out towards him, and I know that the book will be something that can move him into a place of healing that will eventually leave him even more free, even more joyful, than before the attack.

And so I watch the play of duality within myself and keep reminding myself to relax, release and witness. This is my way of bringing the work out. It isn't driven and demanding or self-glorifying and I realize that is the idea espoused for effective marketing. Instead it is the fruit of the same process the book itself teaches, because this is a way of life, not just a way of thinking.

I am doing a presentation for a group called Swell-Women in another month and will be sending out lots of free review copies of the book to magazine editors over the next week. I stay busy with it all each day. And I trust that those the book was written for, will find it just in time.

Book reading coming up

2005-10-09T13:10:00.000-07:00

Now that the lama is gone it is time to focus on my work again. I have a bookreading and signing coming up this Wed. at Maui Booksellers in Wailuku (@ N. Market St & Vineyard) from 7-8:30 pm. Hope some of you can make it.

Jamei will be playing music on his marimba as people enter. Then we will have a brief 10-15 minute meditation centering us in the heart and connecting the group's energy. After that I will read excerpts from the book. Hopefully it will also work out that some people feel like talking and conversation will develop on the ideas in the book. We'll see how that flows.

I am really looking forward to getting to share my work with others in such a setting. A little nervous, performance anxiety, but mostly just looking forward to it.

Enlightened Moments

2005-10-03T20:11:00.000-07:00

For just this moment
I do not fear pain
though I know it will come.
Like an avalanche
thundering down a mountainside
it will come.
And I will be its witness.

In this small instant
I do not seek safety,
not in walls to guard
nor in love to affirm.
I sit defenseless and ask only,
"Show me my true face."
Then I wait and bear witness
to whatever shows itself,
Surrendered once more to the awe
of this sacred moment.

This peace is not always with me.
No, I am not one of the ones wearing the hat
that says, "enlightened one."
Like sorrow and joy, fear and hope,
gain and loss, it comes
and it goes.

Past and future pull at me.
A tendency to get lost in each
causes me to miss this moment
again and again.
The clamor of Delusion promises me
that I am this fragile, solid thing
that must be defended and promoted
at all times.

There is something that needs doing.
There is something to regret.
What does it all mean,
and what about her?
Surely these noble calls are more worthy of attention
than this still, silent moment
that has only the morning dew
to sing its praises.

Sometimes I believe you are a body
and that I am a body too.
Those are painful moments of longing,
as if all my joy was someplace else.
Then I realize we are not these bodies
and I know I cannot be separate from you.
I am you,
and that is good enough.

For just this moment
I do not grasp at the victory banner
called "enlightenment."
I sit here simply as willing witness,
a soldier having laid down her arms
a pause in hostilities
a chance to rest in "yes."

I say yes to this moment,
just as it is.
The next moment will come as it likes.
It needs no call nor shaping from me
and neither can it be averted.
I sit here as still witness,
with a prayer that when it comes
I will find the clarity to say "yes" again.

-- By Indigo Ocean

Busy, Busy, Busy

2005-09-25T22:49:00.000-07:00

I am overwhelmed with "To Do" lists. A week ago I had to switch to making "Done" lists, just to get some sleep. Looking at a list of over 100 things needing to be done to prepare for the weekend retreat I am organizing for Sept. 30 – Oct. 2, I just couldn't stop feeling like I couldn't possibly manage it all. Given that I also have a bookreading coming up the very next week and tons of work to do related to my book and my healing work, it was just too much. On top of that, since I am hosting the Rinpoche and his translator in addition to organizing the event, that creates a whole other layer of work that needs to get done, and I won't be able to do as much organizational work once they arrive this Tuesday, because I will be taking care of them. Can you imagine why I might be feeling my bliss just a bit stretched?

Thankfully one afternoon I was inspired to set aside my "To Do" lists and create my first "Done" list. I wrote down each thing I had accomplished that day, such as writing and sending out a newsletter, signing up for Amazon's "Search Inside This Book" program, signing up 3 additional volunteers for key roles for the retreat, etc. I discovered that I had actually accomplished about 20 significant tasks that day!

It felt amazingly good to see how much I was getting done in a day. My mood instantly shifted from overwhelm to a sense of mastery and confidence. 100 things to do when faced as "100 things to do" would overwhelm anyone. But 5 days worth of work to do when you have 2 weeks to get it done, well now that's a plan.

Oh, I tried non-attachment. I tried surrendering it all up to the all-pervasive guru and resting assured everything would come out just fine. That works great in 20 minute increments. Unfortunately the vast majority of the time I was just plain stressing out. And how many meditation sessions can a person do in a day? I was only at peace while meditating.

So here is today's offering to you. The greatest peace of mind comes in being present, being right here right now. Whatever it takes to get you to a point where you can be present despite the stresses of your life incessantly pulling you towards the future, that is the highest practice for you right then. For example, meditation is not necessarily more spiritual than basic organizational tactics. It depends on what is needed in the situation.

That said, I would caution against the use of such "tools" as alcohol or drugs to achieve the state of presence I'm referring to. They actually create an illusion of presence, while undermining your ability to get the work done that will gradually create a genuine sense of ease. You don't have to escape. You can deal, if you frame the situation skillfully in your mind. I suggest, one "done" at a time.

Right Action

2005-09-14T13:18:00.000-07:00

Each moment brings an invitation.
Some invite us to take a stand,
some to flow along,
some to retreat in solitude,
others to shine forth like the sun.

Towards which door
does this moment point?
We do not get to choose.
There is no right answer
nor any goal in sight.

There is only the commitment
to listening deeply
and answering yes
each time.

What Holds Us Together

2005-09-05T12:30:00.000-07:00

At yesterday's singing circle with Wind Cloud we offered songs and prayers to the suffering people of New Orleans. One person was offended by what he felt was an excessive focus on this American disaster when there is ongoing widespread suffering across the world that gets no media attention. After a bit of conversation and the expression of hurt feelings on both sides of the argument, finally we came to a meeting place.

We were able to acknowledge his sense of the importance of thinking beyond our nation's borders and he was able to acknowledge the very human need for people to relate to the problem of global suffering (which can be quite abstract due to its enormity) through the crises that fall closer to home. Whatever opens our hearts and reminds us to feel and express concern for others in need is a good opportunity to do so, and the failure of many people to be able to do that in persistent situations is no reason to be unwilling to do so in crisis situations. Each is an invitation to love more, not less.

Beyond that, I was able to connect his concerns about the persistent global state of suffering with the group's concerns about the situation in New Orleans right now. My comment, which turned into a group prayer, which turned into a series of songs, began something like this:

Whether we are looking at the failure of able bodied young people to help the police assist the injured and the aged in New Orleans instead of shooting at them or looking at the failure of the wealthy and overfed to help the starving throughout the globe instead of working to more efficiently shift monies from the working poor to the wealthy, we are looking at two basic root failures: 1) a lack of a sense of community connectedness and the compassion that comes with that connection; and 2) a lack of a sense of inner connectedness to one's true nature and the peacefulness that comes with that connection.

Global corporations exert tremendous violence in the lives of millions of people because they are led by people who do not feel any connection to the people they are affecting. That violence is not held back by a sense of responsibility to or concern for others. But where does the violence come from in the first place? Their violent nature results from a life long teaching in "survival of the fittest" and "everyman for himself" and the absence of genuine direct experience of their inherently peaceful true nature. Without access to the teachings that come from one's soul, they are victims of the teachings of a sociopathic social system. If they did not have the money or influence to enact their violence through their corporations they would effectively be kept down, but that would not make them peaceful.

Similarly, we can look at the people shooting at the police and taking advantage of the chaos to loot, rape, and defy all social rules governing our collective lives as the same life teachings being acted out by those newly given the power to do so without consequence. They have received the same teachings, but their power comes from guns not corporate attorneys. So they steal at gunpoint rather than getting laws passed that give them the right to take what they want. In New Orleans, those who lack a sense of inner or outer connectedness shoot for themselves, whereas in Iraq those in the upper echelons of power enlist national armies to shoot for them, but someone still winds up dead.

I could go on at length about the similarities between these two forms of violence -- small scale, direct physical aggression and the large scale institutionalized forms -- but I think you get the point. Both are suffering from the same root causes and both are therefore causing suffering for others. Both are in need of our prayers and understanding, as well as our knowledgable corrective action to prevent their further violence.

So here is a prayer -- May anyone anywhere on the Earth who feels alone right now become aware of being held within a web of community. May those who feel they must fight for their survival instead experience a sense of safety and peace. May those who believe that in order to have what they need to survive they must take as much as they can, even if it means the failure of others to survive, may they learn instead to experience abundance and to see the world as an abundant place. May the norms of sharing and compassion replace the teachings on selfishness. And may we who already know these things not lose our ability to love those who do not. May we not give up our belief in their ability to learn and to grow and to, having been healed themselves, become world healers. May we never give up our faith in their intrinsic value and goodness.

And this we sang:

"May the warriors find peace within and the wars of the nations end.
May the warriors find peace within so the healing of the world can begin. ...
Your eyes open my heart.
And your heart opens my eyes."

Lastly, I would like you to use this opportunity to not only open your heart to the suffering of all these people everyday and especially in this crisis situation, but to look directly at your own suffering. I want you to examine your life right now and ask yourself what you would be drawing upon if you were in a similar disaster. What would your refuge be?

Do you have a sense of inner peace that does not require anything external to ensure you behave with non-violence at all times? What are you like when you are driving and someone cuts you off or even when they just persist in trying to get you to let them merge into traffic in front of you? How do you react? No one but you knows your answer so it is worth your truthfully acknowledging the answer for yourself. What are you like in conversation when someone disagrees with an idea you hold sacred? Does anger well up within you? Do you respond with cutting comments not only designed to show them that they are wrong and you are right, but to go beyond that and belittle their intelligence or goodness? Do you attack them personally with insults? How non-violent are you when you think you can get away with using violence to get what you want?

When you are under extreme stress, perhaps facing the diagnosis of a serious illness or perhaps in a more shared experience of threat to survival, do you feel supported by a closely knit group of friends or family? How connected are you to your next door neighbors? If a natural disaster happened, would you expect to pool resources with them, seeing who has more bottled water, who has more blankets, and how food stuffs could be combined to best feed everyone? Again, the answers are only for you, so be honest. Who would you rely upon and who could reasonably rely upon you?

I would like to urge you to spend the next week shoring up your refuges. I would like to invite you to spend some time in meditation, building up your sense of inner peace. And I would like to invite you to reach out a little more than usual to those people with whom you would like to share community. Give some time to this now while crisis is not upon you so that when the levy inevitably breaks there will still be something there to hold you together.

Offerings that Bless

2005-09-03T15:32:00.000-07:00

Yesterday Shastro came by for tea and was nice enough to tune my dilruba's sympathetic strings for me. It is no small task for him and impossible for me. I have to rely upon the electronic tuner even to manage the main strings, but the 22 underneath have to wait for his visits.

Today it is humming beautifully, a chorus flowing from just one bow. Since the power is out up here on the mountain yet again, I am grateful for the music I can make myself (and for a laptop I fully charged last night). At the end of the month I will be hosting a visiting lama and am practicing up so that I will be ready to play for him after dinner in the evenings.

I have been slack with my practice over the past months. I have only been playing for a little over a year, but once I mastered the basic movements and was left only with learning to tune the instrument to different scales and really pay attention to the notes for reading music (instead of playing scales) my enthusiasm gave way to a dread of extra work. I also moved into a home with poor acoustics so it isn't as much an orgasm of sound as it was in the place I first learned.

Excuses aside, now that I am about to have a regular audience for a week, I am motivated to get my act together. Funny how the knowledge that others have use for the fruits of our labor can motivate action. I always say that love is the only discipline I know, and yet again that shows itself to be true.
In that same way, I think of the aura of contentment and love that permeated and surrounded me last year when I was writing "Being Bliss." Though I thought I was dying at the time (a diagnosis that was later reversed), the main thing on my mind was getting out this offering for those I was about to leave behind (including you) and praying that it would truly be a blessing to you all. That compassionate motivation and the persistent hard work it inspired (15 hour days, 7 days a week, for months on end) blessed me with a level of embodied spiritual realization I had not previously been able to sustain.

Since that time -- having finished the writing and publishing phases and now being able to focus once more on my life, including my aspirations and joys -- I find that while I certainly continue to grow and learn spiritually, I am not nearly as radiant as I felt in the creative phase. Though I still achieve that state whenever I am doing healing work, my day to day experience is not as it was when every waking moment was focused on giving as much to others as I could while I still could.

This suggests to me that the wisest use of one's days is service to others. This is not an issue of self-sacrifice, but rather of self-benefit. Selflessness is not about sacrifice. It is about identifying with an idea of self which is much bigger than what we normally move out from when looking for the tastiest morsel to eat, the most entertaining movie to watch, or the most stimulating company at a party. The joy we receive in return is much bigger too.

It is as if by offering yourself as an avenue through which goodness can flow into the lives of others, you make yourself into a much wider stream. The great "River of Light" is then able to pour through your life with greater volume and force. You become able to accommodate more of the energy of love, joy and contentment when you are channeling it into the lives of many beings.

Let your sense of "I" include the largest number of beings your imagination can accommodate, moving through the world with an intent to use your abilities to the fullest to bless others. Let any moment you wish to hold great happiness for you be a moment you dedicate in this way, and you will know a type of joyful contentment that exceeds anything self-seeking has ever brought you. This is a reminder for us both. Namaste.

An Easy Offering Idea

Sometimes the easiest and most versatile gift we can give is simply to send money. If you would like to make an offering to the victims of the Hurricane through the Red Cross you can use this link: American Red Cross Donations. You may have to submit your information more than once to get your donation to go through since their servers are busy (thankfully), but it is well worth the 5 minutes or so it will take.

For a longer list of charities see this link: Charity Navigator.

Exploring Your Mandala

2005-08-28T22:08:00.000-07:00

"The mandala is usually a symbolic representation which depicts the qualities of the Enlightened Mind in harmonious relationship with one another. A mandala may also be used to represent the path of spiritual development. On another level a mandala can be a symbolic representation of the universe, as in one of the four foundation practices of the Vajrayana, in which a mandala representing the universe is offered to the Buddha." -- Answers.com

In Vajrayana Buddhism the ideal of the mandala is to represent the Buddha realm, but I find the symbology to be versatile. However we construct the rules we accept for our lives, we each are constructing our own private universes, our own mandalas. How is your personal universe constructed?

Is yours characterized by balance and harmony? What colors do you use most frequently? Is it concentric, with all points leading towards the one, or is it a more haphazard pattern? What spatial orientations hold meaning for you? Is your mandala drawn to depict east, west, north and south or do you gravitate towards ideas like sun, moon, planets and constellations? What concepts do you use to limit what is allowed in? What vocabulary is used in your language of order and meaning?

This may all seem quite abstract to you. I am asking you about the metaphors you live by and they are probably invisible to you. But whether you see them or not, you are in fact drawing the lines that make up your world according to some set of hidden rules. Wouldn't it be great to actually see a visual depiction of what it is you are creating? Only with knowledge is there conscious choice.

The process of creating your own mandala will undoubtedly be illuminating and therapeutic, but another blessing is that the final product can be used in meditation practice. Just focus on the drawing and let yourself merge into it. Let the mind disappear and the symbology fully absorb you. Then see what insight emerges. Even if you don't exactly like the feeling your first mandala produces in meditation, that is still useful information. What is it you do or don't like about the experience? Does that relate in any way to how you feel about your life in general? Watching our mandalas change over time is a beautiful and colorful way to chart our spiritual paths.

Follow these links for guidance in the creation of your own visual mandala:

http://www.jyh.dk/indengl.htm
http://www.exoticindiaart.com/article/mandala/

May you be a joyful and conscious creator.

Sacred Space in Motion

2005-08-17T16:28:00.000-07:00

Dancing last night at Soul Motion with Vinn Marti, I prayed to the all-pervading light, "Can you use this moment? Can you use it to show me your ancient face? Let me use the body to lose the body. Show me that I am not a body."

At first I would see an image of myself moving a certain way, then decide to enact that vision. Gradually that gave way to discovering the movements as they occurred, watching myself dance. Finally I began to consciously note the movements only after they had occurred, as I stood in stillness waiting for the next motion to come. While in the midst of each movement there was no mind to observe with. There was only the motion itself.

At the spiritual singing circles with Wind Cloud there is a song we often sing, and usually I wind up being the dancer for the group. It goes something like this:

Loving is a beautiful feeling, dance 'til you rise in love.
Dancing is a beautiful feeling, dance 'til you rise above.
Disappear in the song, 'til the dancer is gone,
until only the dance remains.

And this I sing to you now, for you are sacred space. This is my prayer. May you use the body to lose the body. May you lose the dancer and become the dance. May you see your ancient face and recognize your true nature, in this very moment.

Bhakti-Karma Yoga

2005-07-31T12:08:00.000-07:00

I am just returning from a retreat with my Lama in California, and digesting unexpected blessings. I had thought I would go off for a week of immersion in a field of bliss and return basking in the steady glow of rigpa mind. Instead it was more like a chod retreat, and I got to grapple with some of my inner obstacles. Now returning, instead of being "blissed out" I am deeply grounded in a field of devotion.

I have gained an increased clarity and resolve regarding my motivation for my spiritual practice. I have intellectually known for some time that the point of practice is to increase my capacity to assist others. However, there is a difference between intellectualizing an understanding and embodying it. Now it appears that there is really nothing else to do that is worth doing. Everything points to that one thing -- become more so that I can give more.

This next phase of my life I thought was going to be about promoting my book and expanding my healing work along with that. I know the book will help many people and my lama also says that my healing work is an important part of my service to others, that I am deeply helping them. But now I see that the coming phase, while it will include fulfilling my responsibility to promote my own work, will focus on my service to the dharma. In this way I will not only be providing direct service to others, but also purifying my kleshas, particularly those related to self-seeking and self-promotion. This ego purification process is what advances me towards awakening and through that the ability to be of greatest service to others. It is therefore more worthwhile for me to work to promote the teachings of other teachers than to advance my own work, apart from them being more advanced in their wisdom and so already having more to impart to others than I do.

The greatest love is devotion and devotion is about surrendering the self. Karma Yoga is a form of self-surrender that offers a dual blessing -- helping others directly and peeling away the layers of ego so that more help can be given later. So I have agreed to start organizing the presentation of teachings by visiting lamas from Tibet. It is a huge responsibility and will challenge me in many ways. It will also involve numerous sacrifices and a huge investment of time. But the karma I will receive in return will make it more a blessing to me than a gift I give to the lamas I host. It is the opportunity for devotion in action. And I am honored to be chosen for this responsibility.

Enneagram

2005-07-18T16:34:00.000-07:00

David Fauvre has been trying to introduce me to the Enneagram system since we studied counseling together in our MA program back in '94. A couple weeks ago I had him over for tea and it turned into a 6 hour personalized Enneagram workshop, running straight through dinner. It was fascinating.

Beyond the requirements of my degree program, I have stayed clear of personality typing systems in general and particularly all things enneagram. Many times people use "self-improvement" as an excuse for self-absorption. They justify endless self-analysis as effort to "be a better person." What is the point in putting so much effort into analyzing a personality you intend to transcend anyway?

However, what I learned was that the Enneagram system was originally a spiritual development tool. Think of the base of a mountain with 9 starting points around it and one summit of complete bliss, compassion, wisdom and unconditional love - the true spiritual self of us all. Each path between the starting point and summit would be different, but the destination is the same. One path is no more right than another, but the question is, which is right for you?

David was able to "type me" and give me the types for a number of well-known spiritual teachers. If you have an interest in this use of the Enneagram see:

http://www.enneagraminstitute.com/spirituality.asp

Also see David's site at http://www.enneagram.net/

Recollections of Connections

2005-07-09T23:30:00.000-07:00

Since the London bombing last Thursday I have been having recollections of my experiences in New York 9/11/01. I realized today that since over the last 2 years I have been blogging I have switched my blog from Movable Type, to manual maintenance using html, to Blogger, that means my archives are quite sparse. Mostly I don't mind that, but there was one article I would like to share with you at this time. So I am offering it as a new post below. Those of you who have followed me through all the changes once knew this post as "The Garden You Give." Hope you don't mind seeing it again.

----
August 8, 2003

As I sit here looking out at the garden I think of September 2001 when I sat in my living room in New York City trying to think of something I could do to uplift the people around me after the tragedy of the 11th. I thought of giving blood, carrying food or water down to the rescue workers, many things that I knew I could never do. It was all I could manage each day just to show up for work down in Chelsea and be fully present for my clients. They were also under great stress and really needed all the emotional energy I could muster up.

Then I decided to offer the one thing I could create from the safety of my living room. However less it seemed than actually going out into the chaos to reach someone in need, I decided to give what I could. So I wrote an essay called "On Feeling Alive" and distributed color copies to all my co-workers, encouraging them to pass it on to others after they read it if they thought it had helped them. Within the story I inserted a color picture of a beautiful garden.

Not only was the story appreciated, but a year later I was still seeing copies up on people's bulletin boards when I went in their offices. The edges were worn and turning, but that color picture of the garden always popped out at me.

Just the other day it hit me. I now live in a garden that looks just like the one in that picture! That is the first thing I see when I wake up each day, and what I see when I do my writing every day. Last night I was listening to The Moody Blues and there was a line in a song something like, "the love you gave was really meant for you." And I realize the garden I gave was given to the one and received by the one. There is only one of us.
If you want to read "On Feeling Alive" continue reading below.

-- On Feeling Alive --

There is knowing and then there is thinking about knowing. The thing itself can only be lived, experienced. The more full the experiencing, the more fully alive. The looking at, talking about, description, is always one step removed from the actual thing.

Since the attack on my city and nation, I and many others have been in shock. Shock is to be outside one’s body, barely even knowing about the body’s experience. It is to be steeped in even deeper vats of unconsciousness than within normal existence. But this life we call normal here is everyday shock.

That is why when we live someplace where the normal life is not one of shock consciousness, we see travelers appearing to be in shock. They sit in roadside cafes, staring into space, looking so very tired, exhausted. But this appearance is deceiving. Rather than encountering external sources of anguish now, they are actually healing. Their hidden grief rises to the surface and they begin to feel again.

The first thing they feel is the top layer of their experience. Is this the inability to fully respond to the trauma of their existence? Or is it the trauma itself finally being reawakened within experience so that this time a bit more of it can be felt? Bit by bit, more is felt. There remains some numbness that protects which manifests as the dull gaze and inability to move we see on these zombie-like survivors. But there is some feeling beginning to come back. They are no longer able to rush about not feeling anything. They are forced to feel it, forced to be still with the fine layers of pain and the dull coat of self-protecting shock.

Gently their bodies move them back into consciousness. Given enough time and stillness the inner fire is attained and its radiance burns away all clouds. Still witnessing of inner movement naturally gives way to outer movement. Vitality is regained. We are alive again.

This aliveness is something more than our everyday reality. We have become something more than what we were. We have gained knowledge of what we once rejected as “not me.”

Nature is pure presence, pure being. It just can’t seem to lie. If you want to come alive in any moment (and you can’t go to Bali) go out into your backyard garden. If you don’t have a backyard, let alone a garden, go to a park and hug a tree instead. Okay, just sit on its roots and lean your back against its trunk. Make sure the back of your head touches its bark. Drink Nature’s power to be fully present with any magnitude or flavor of experience. Pour out your fatigue, your confusion, your rage, and especially your tears -- especially your tears.

If it’s raining and you don’t want to get wet, enter instead your inner garden. Move within the body of earth you were born into. Move your body. Sway to the sounds of inner music, or if you can’t hear that just yet turn on some music for your outer senses and move to that. Enter into sacred communion with the world of your flesh.

Your body is a part of nature. It cannot help but to be present. Do you wish to be present with it? Are you ready to awaken to your inner dance and radiate your inner fire? Be still and let the body answer when it is ready to move.

Wishing you peace, love, and healing,
Indigo Ocean, MA
Sept. 14, 2001

Update 9/14/09 - Comments have just been added to this blog, and this article can now accept reader comments.

Celebrating Connection

2005-07-03T14:19:00.000-07:00

I am feeling great appreciation for the values of the people in my community. The trip to the grocery store that takes an hour, with only 20 minutes of that spent shopping and the rest spent saying "nice to see you; what's been going on?" to one person after another -- the waves from passersby as I drive down the road -- the phone calls that say, "I'm going here; would you like to come with?" All this adds up to create a sense of being held in a web of connection.

Today I will go to a spiritual singing circle that I haven't attended in almost a year. I called ahead to find out if they were still meeting today with it being a holiday meeting. They say it has moved a bit later now, starting at more like noon than the former 10:00 am, but yes, it's happening. And I will be there. And they are excited to know they will see me there. No matter how long I am away I am welcome whenever I come. There community doesn't require that one pay regular dues with time.

Emails pour in from old friends in CA. I haven't lived there in 6 years and have only been back once since I left. I will be visiting in a few weeks and we are planning to get together while I am there. Our connection is not based on place or time. We are living in community.

For the Dalai Lama's birthday I did an extra mala of Om Mani Padma Hung mantras and reflected on the gift he brings to his community. He is an embodiment of compassion - a reminder of its value and a beacon of its realization. Compassion is the height of community connection. It says, "I am open to you and willing to feel with you. We are connected within our hearts and souls." It is a kind of connection that charges no dues.

Today I celebrate that, and you, and the chance that in this moment you might pause and celebrate the rest of us too. Just close your eyes a moment and become aware of yourself and all those people who populate your world. Feel our presence there within you. Remembrance is all that is required. Namaste.